


Reverb

by MissCharlotteXavier



Series: Reverb/Perfect Ecstasy [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Gaslighting, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, intravenous drug use, please check notes for sensitive material
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-19 22:29:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 29,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11907513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissCharlotteXavier/pseuds/MissCharlotteXavier
Summary: I wasn't sure exactly what I was expecting, but it wasn't this. Nothing should have ever gotten so complicated. And it certainly can't go on this way forever, can it?-Part One of Two in a series.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, dear reader!
> 
> What follows in the next 50-some chapters is something I've been pouring my heart and soul into for the past 11 years. Yes, 11. 
> 
> As we go chapter-to-chapter, please do note that some chapters will have their own content warnings, not included in the tags to avoid spoilers. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
> 
> That being said, enough rambling, on with the show.

1:53 AM

I stared into the deep brown eyes of my best friend, near-breathless. 

He stared back at me, licking his lips in anticipation, the streetlight outside of his bedroom window casting a sickly and menacing yellow light across his face through the slats of his blinds. My heart was pounding in my throat, my body shaking and my hand twitching as I rocked back and forth gently on the bed, fingers idly toying with the frays of the well-loved comforter, leg bouncing in a vain attempt to burn some of the adrenaline coursing through me.

"Are you sure you want this?" He asked gently as I squeezed my eyes tightly shut. The tension in the air was thick as he waited for my reply. 

There was no way in Hell I was backing out now, I had come this far, I couldn’t back out, I had to follow through. Besides, everyone knows, asking someone if they’re sure is tantamount to a challenge, and I did not like to lose, not to him. No no no.

"Yes, Sean, I'm fucking sure. Just do it." I hissed. This wasn’t the first time, I was reasonably sure that it wouldn’t be the last. Still, though, I had a brief moment of doubt and concern each time we reached this point. 

I thought I might explode as he hesitated. The sooner this was over with, the better.

I felt a sharp sting as he pushed through. I tensed, clenching my teeth. In a matter of moments, it would be all worth it; if I just stuck through, for once in my life, fucking committed, it would pay off. 

Fuck, it was far too late now anyway. There was no turning back.

A moment passed, he laughed softly and caressed my face. His hand was rough, calloused. A little smelly, if I’m honest. 

"All done."

I opened my eyes to see him set the needle down and remove my belt from my arm. He smiled up at me from the floor, stroking my face. He looked proud. As off-putting and fucked as it was, this was a two-party system, and I wasn’t really in much of a position to judge him.

"How do you feel?" He asked, his voice already distorted and his figure fuzzy. I was so fucking high and it had just been seconds since he’d shot me up. I had been over this a million times in my head. I wasn’t a junkie, this wasn’t me. This was an occasional occurrence and it was not going to become a way of life for me. I could not, and I would not, let this be something that sunk its claws into me. Three times does not a habit make. No no.

All those thoughts slid from my mind as the drug took over and turned me into a pile of mush wrapped in chemical euphoria. I could see this being my life. I could see staying in this soft place forever. I smiled back at him, pulling him into a sloppy kiss. Gently, he pulled away and laid me down. I stayed coherent long enough to watch him prepare a hit for himself. He was so methodical, such a professional in the intravenous drug department; he effortlessly shot up, not even a flinch across his face as the needle tore through his skin. I hoped I would never get that accustomed to it. It was strangely graceful, though, and horrifyingly fascinating.

His eyes met mine again as I could barely hold on, letting my lids slide shut to absorb the artificial ecstasy pulsing through me with each lethargic heartbeat. Oh, right, my heart condition. Conditions, plural, actually. Oh well. I couldn’t really be too fucked over it.

I finally slipped from consciousness. 

Maybe I would wake, maybe I wouldn’t. I was certain that I didn’t care either way.


	2. Chapter 2

6:27 AM

I woke up in a haze. The sun hit me like a brick in the face and seemed to burn my eyes right out of their sockets. I rolled onto my back and covered my eyes with my arm. My head felt like someone had shattered a cinder block on it, my mouth tasted like burnt rubber and regret. What was going on? Where the fuck was I? 

I begrudgingly uncovered my eyes and propped myself up on my elbows, scanning the dingy room through blurry eyes. I should have taken my contacts out. I couldn’t quite register where I was. The room was a mess- beer cans, liquor bottles, spoons, candles, needles, my hoodie, vomit stains, condom, pipes, empty baggies...man thong? 

Oh. That's right. Sean had house party. 

The familiar pounding of my head should have been enough to tell me that. But it made no difference, really. All the time it was another ache, a different pain, a comedown, a hangover. Days blending together, becoming weeks and months and who knew where I was and what I had done the night before?

Cringing, I rolled out of bed and made my way through the mess to the door, heading clumsily downstairs in a desperate search for some much-needed coffee. The smell of eggs and sausage was assaulting as I entered the kitchen. I gagged, swallowing the bile that had sprung up into my throat; my stomach was in knots and my head was no different. I rounded the corner with my eyes shut, relying entirely on muscle memory to get me to the coffee maker.

"Good morning, lovely! I made coffee!" A cheerful voice called. Pleasant, to be truthful, but sudden and startling and not welcome to my ears in my current state. I snapped my eyes back open and scanned my surroundings.

"Trevin. Friend. Buddy. It is fucking 6:30 in the morning. Shut. Up. Please." I sighed. A twinge of sadness passed over his face, but never the less, he nodded, smiled softly, and carried on with breakfast. He was extraordinary when it came to absorbing abuse and shaking it off, he wouldn’t have survived his 6-year friendship with Sean if he weren’t.

I groaned, stretching, making my way to the coffee pot and pouring some into a mug that I fished out of the sink. I pulled my crushed cigarettes from my back pocket and lit one, plopping down on a chair beside the kitchen table. Trevin collected his breakfast and joined me at the table. 

"You look awful, Garrett." He half-laughed. It was sympathetic, I know, and he didn’t mean harm. 

But.

Fuck him and his honesty. I wanted to throw my coffee in his face. Not everyone could be 23 years old and be endlessly regenerative.

"This place looks like shit." I snapped back. He narrowed his eyes at me, entering defense mode. 

Insulting his housekeeping was comparable to insulting someone’s parenting. It was his job to maintain the house and pretty much all the other responsibilities that everyone else ignored. It was his pride and joy and a huge source of satisfaction for him. He took it in stride, though; he seemed to be content with being everyone’s whipping boy. Apparently, when you have five younger siblings and parents who practically live at work, you learn to play both mother and father, nurturing and loving, cooking and cleaning, taking all the shit, and doing it all with a smile and unbelievable grace. It wasn’t fair of me to go after him like that.

"Well, you try keeping it clean. I mean, I don't see you up at fucking 5 o'clock in the morning after a show and a party, picking up beer cans and condoms and God only knows whose panties and..."

I tuned the rest out. I know that I was probably one of the few people that he would be comfortable with releasing his frustrations to because I was non-threatening and usually highly empathetic. But I really, really wasn’t in the mood for it. I chugged my coffee and stood. 

"I'm taking a shower.” I mumbled, cutting him off mid-sentence. He scoffed as I left the room, but he could have the last word if he wanted it. I didn’t need it.

The shower is truly a phenomenal invention. 

I must have taken at least an hour, leaning listlessly against the smooth tile, letting the hot water drench my hair and beat down on my back, working its magic on my tired muscles. I was only twenty nine, almost thirty, but I felt about eighty. I really doubted that I’d make it to see my next decade.

Life was taking a very exhausting toll on me. One of the side effects of being off of my medication for nearly a decade, most likely. 

Or maybe the drinking and recreational drug use. 

Or all three, who knows? 

What I did know for sure was that my life was passing me by and I was just going through the motions, feeling detached from my body, leaving me all of the repercussions and almost none of the benefits. Each day it was harder and harder to bring myself to get out of bed, to look at myself in the mirror. But give it a bit and I’d be on top of the world. Unstoppable. The light of the room. Bipolar disorder is kind of a good thing, almost half of the time? I could go for such vast and open spans of time being fine, just fine. When the mania hit, we dealt with it. When the depression hit, we dealt with it. And each time I returned to set-point, all was well and we coasted along.

But I was on a downswing, and I was having some serious difficulty coping. Everything had become such a struggle once more. Even just getting out of bed was such a daunting fucking task. Nothing felt right. As the days passed by me, everything felt less and less real, or way too real, and somehow both at the same time. I felt like I was watching my life from outside on fast forward and there was nothing that I could do about it. I would get this fuzzy feeling, this brain-float sensation that I hated, I couldn’t explain it to anyone well enough to explain just why it was so scary, it just was; it terrified me, being Other Than and Outside Of myself. 

The water began to turn cold and I sighed, shutting it off and stepping out, lacking a towel. 

"Well, fuck." I muttered, scanning the room for something to dry off with. The only thing I saw was my dirty old shirt, it would just have to do. I dried off to the best of my abilities, dropping the shirt on the floor and deciding that I'd just sneak into Sean's room and steal a shirt, and who gives a fuck if my pants are dirty? Not me. That’s why they invented fabric freshener and cologne. Gross, I know, but a reality.

I crept into Sean’s room and nearly tripped over his sleeping body, right there by the door. I grabbed a random shirt off the floor and pulled it on, then crept back out, stepping over him again. I collected the things I had scattered throughout the house, this here and that there. Why was I such a spreader, Goddamnit? 

"Alright, Trevin, I'm leaving!" I yelled to him, where ever he was. No response. I shrugged. “Okay, Bye!"

"Shut the fuck up! Some people are sleeping!" Matt hissed from the couch, throwing a pillow at me and missing, knocking a vase to the floor and shattering it. The sound sliced through my head like a white-hot machete through butter, I swear I could feel the pain the way in my fingertips.

"Trevin! Clean that up!" He yelled. Again with the searing head pain. It was starting to make me nauseous. Throbbing and stabbing at the same time. I had to get the fuck out of that house before the clatter made me decapitate myself.

I sighed and closed the door behind me, leaving behind the familiar sounds of Trevin and Matt arguing for someone else to deal with. The last thing I wanted to deal with was other people's drama, especially theirs. Not with a headache this intense. They had a tendency to get violent, and violence means noise. 

Pausing on the sidewalk I realized, maybe I had been a little rough on Trevin. He had it pretty hard, he didn't need anyone making it worse on him, especially not someone who wasn't even in his band. The way I had treated him wasn't like me. It was overboard rudeness. I'd have to make it up to him later on, somebody had to show the damn kid some love.

I fished my keys out of my bag and unlocked my car, shaking off the early autumn chill that was hanging in the air. It was that transitional time of year, chilly in the morning, pleasant during the day, chilly again at night. It was refreshing, I could already feel my head start to ease up on the pain. Also, that meant Halloween was coming up and, come on, who isn’t looking forward to that for the other 364 days of the year?

Things were about to get better, I knew it. They had to. It had been too rough for too long, a payoff was painfully overdue. 

I grinned as I started my car. We were on the radio again. The day would get better.


	3. Chapter 3

8:00 AM

The trip back to our hotel seemed to take an eternity, the 20 minute drive stretched on in front of me for what felt like hours. Maybe that was because the goddamned sun was ruining my life. Or maybe I was just anxious. Partying was great and all; I had fun, sure, but I missed being with the guys, even though I had just been away for the night. I’m a sap like that.

The guys made me happy. They made my life feel complete. With Sean and company, I felt...well, the opposite- incomplete. On top of it, my band mates never talked me into doing something incredibly stupid. 

Well, nothing that would be as detrimental to my health as anything Sean and I would do. Like heroin. 

Three times, now. 

I'm a fucking idiot. 

I knew how dangerous it was. I knew I could seriously fuck up everything we'd worked so hard for in two seconds flat. I'm aware of my addictive personality, and that sometimes, no matter how hard I try not to, I become a follower and cave in to pressure. Sean's just so goddamned persuasive, he makes me throw all caution and common sense out of the window. His big, brown, pleading puppy dog eyes, his "Baby, it's the best fucking feeling ever”, and “It’s better than sex, Garrett. Trust me. You know you can trust me”. Why did I let him do that shit to me? He was so manipulative. I mean, obviously, in the end, it laid on me. It was my decision, I caved to him. That was beside the point, however; the point here is that my band would never, not ever, ever try to talk me into anything like that.

Finally, I rolled into the parking garage and left my car with the valet. 

We were in the Westin Philadelphia. If you’re not familiar, imagine a swanky fucking hotel in a prime city location with everything a human could ever fucking ask for and then more. It’s like if a Hilton classed it up times ten. A far cry from our smelly old touring RV, I'll tell you that much. This was also the first tour we'd been on so far where we had been given access to rental cars. We must have been moving up in the industry. To be honest, I hadn’t really noticed.

Before I knew it, I was standing in the hall, looking for the card they gave me as a key. If I just thought about inane shit all the time, life would go by so much faster. I swiped my room key into the slot by the doorknob; even those looked like they were more expensive than my first car. I wasn't in the door for five seconds before I was assaulted by a blur. 

"GARRETT! THANK GOD YOU'RE HOME!” The blur wrapped itself around me. 

Toby. Dear, sweet Toby. My little brother, my best friend in the whole world. I let him crush me for a little bit longer before I squeezed him back. 

"He returns! Welcome back, my love!" Benny yelled from the bathroom door, leaning against its frame, dripping wet and dressed only in a towel, a goofy smile plastered across his face. I couldn’t have asked for him to show up any other way. 

"You gonna bust out a parade for me next?" I grinned as Toby released me from his grip and went back about his business. 

Benny walked to me and wrapped his arms around me from behind, giving me a little kiss on the back of my neck.

I turned to face him and snaked my arms around his neck, I kissed him like I hadn't seen him in years. I love him so much. As played out as it is, I really feel like we were meant to be. Two halves of one whole.

He suddenly pulled back and stuck his tongue out. 

"You taste like beer vomit." He scrunched his nose at me. 

Leave it to Benny to suck the romance right out of the moment. I gave him a half-assed smile and shrugged.

"Yeah, it was a rough night. I have a bit of a hangover." I confessed, rubbing my still-throbbing forehead. 

"In bed.” He ordered. I started to protest, but he put his finger over my lips to stop me. 

"Shush. Get in bed. Get some rest. Sound check is in--" he glanced at the clock, “eight and a half hours. Nap, hydrate, take your goddamn contacts out. Love yourself."

"Yeah, yeah, I hear you."

In the bathroom mirror, I fumbled with my contacts. I was never very good at them and wore them exclusively on stage, but they weren’t exactly on the forefront of my mind the night before and now my eyes were raw and sore. I splashed them with water and brushed my teeth, then crawled into bed and rested my head on the pillow. I was so relieved to be in a clean bed with no intravenous drugs in the immediate 100 feet around me.


	4. Chapter 4

9:00 PM

I had woken up on time to get to sound check, meet some fans, and hype myself up for the show. And, once again, Benny was right and I felt wonderful after a little bit of rest. I smiled to myself as I checked the mirror one last time, which was more my sly way of checking him out as he stretched behind me. I was fortunate to have someone who seemed to literally have been handcrafted by God himself and placed on the planet just for me.

11:00 PM

This had to be, without a doubt, the best thing we'd done as a band so far. There were four other bands on tour with us, but none of them really clicked with us. I liked them, we talked and hung out and got on just fine, but they really weren’t as important to me as The Drive was. Especially now, because this was my favorite part, hanging in the green rooms afterward.

We sat together, relaxing. It was a chill night, a good vibe in the air. I sat with Benny and Trevin on the floor, throwing back a few beers, smoking probably a few too many cigarettes. Something plopped into my lap, Sean was throwing things at me. I smiled at him and tossed the quarter away over my shoulder as he gestured towards the door; I nodded enthusiastically.

Yes, absolutely.

"We're out!" I announced, using the couch to pull myself up. Maybe I'd had a little bit more to drink than I'd thought. "I'm gonna leave now."

I reached out for Sean and took his hand.

“They’re gonna fuck.” Trevin whispered to Benny, rolling his eyes.

"Maybe.” Sean slid his arm over my shoulders, we left the whistles and taunting of our friends behind.

We didn’t make it far down the hallway before Sean pinned me to the wall and shoved his tongue down my throat. We kissed hungrily, like neither of us had kissed or would be kissed for ages. I was about to say fuck it and blow him right then and there. Benny might be the love of my life, but goddamn, Sean knew how to push my buttons in a hurry. He was like arousal personified, he had the ability to touch you in just the right place in the perfect way, you just wanted to rip your clothes off and beg him to fuck you mercilessly. We had an instant sexual chemistry. I can’t help it, it’s like I’m magnetically attracted to his dick.

"Trevin was right!"

We stopped groping each other, and Sean pulled away from me as, Benny made his way to us with a smirk. I smiled back, winking at him.

So you may be confused right now. Let me pause and explain things.

I had been with Benny for going on six years. He was the love of my life and the light of my universe. We were basically ‘engaged to be engaged’ at this point.

We had established very early on in our relationship that we were both comfortable with being open, as long as we were honest about it. And maybe, if the right person came along, becoming a trifecta. We'd each had a little side action from time to time throughout our years, but we always remained strong together. We met Sean and his band maybe a year or so before at a festival-maybe a little longer, memory doesn’t serve very well- we all hit it off really, really well and our teams became fast and strong friends. And like I said before, Sean and I had an almost instant sexual attraction. We began sleeping together around a month after meeting, after Benny and I had talked it over and he considered Sean to be alright. Sean, however, was not at all someone that Benny was interested in himself, so this was all my deal. I mean, they'd had a few kisses here and there, but that was nothing remotely serious and was completely playful. We did have a three-way once, but to my memory, they never went beyond oral with each other that night. 

So, anyway, here we are.

“Call me before you go to sleep?” Benny smiled, sliding his arms around my hips.

I nodded, pulling him close and giving him a gentle kiss. He hugged me hard and headed back towards the green room.

"I love you!” He beamed from the door.

"I love you too!”

As Benny disappeared into the room, Sean took my hand and rushed me down the hall and out into the parking lot. We climbed into his car, my hands shaking as I tried to buckle my seatbelt; I was so excited, so ready to get the show on the road. Sean manned the driver's seat, I wasn't loaded by any means but I didn't want to risk driving. Safety first, you know.

I looked over at him, rubbing and squeezing his thigh. He took his eyes off the road for a moment, shooting me a look. A look that I knew very, very well. The “You-Can’t-Even-Imagine-How-Good-I’m-About-To-Violate-You” look. It sent chills down my spine every single time he gave it to me. Every inch of me was tingling in anticipation. My stomach was doing flips, I was sweating, so excited that I was convinced that I would explode if we didn’t leave immediately.

My pants were beginning to strain, my heart racing as we finally sped off towards his house. I rolled down the window and let the crisp September air hit me in the face, breathing deep, trying to level my head so that I didn't just explode the moment we took our pants off. I chewed on my lip, staring out the window as he pulled to a stop at a red light. Those big, deep brown eyes with the endless, dark lashes…the sparkling, beautiful, perfect smile…all those tattoos up his arms and across his chest…

I felt myself get even harder. Fuck, my jeans were going to explode. 

I was cockscrambled, to say the least. 

He looked over at me and smiled as the light turned green.

"I want you so bad.” I whispered.

He grinned and eagerly pressed the gas.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends!
> 
> Please be aware that this chapter contains lightly-rough m/m sex. AKA the good stuff.

2:07 AM

Once again, the drive seemed like an eternity.

It was this horrible fucking strain in my pants. Skinny jeans are terrible for moments like this, I was terrified that they were going to break me before we got to his house. Every red light killed me, I was tempted to tell Sean to pull over and get his ass in the backseat. It wouldn’t have been the first time that we had insane sex in the back of his car. It wouldn’t be the second or third, either. If you can think of a place, chances are, Sean and I have had sex there.

By the time we reached his house, my… “situation”, so to say, had become more than painful. I ran from the car to the front door, panting, aching, bursting into the house and jumping up and down impatiently. I had long since sobered up and come back down to Earth, I was ready to get down to business. Where the fuck was he? I kicked off my shoes and pulled off my socks, and still, he wasn’t in.

I stood in the doorway, shifting my weight back and forth between my feet, watching him as he took his merry old time. I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin waiting for him, time seemed to have chosen this moment to slow down to the pace of molasses. It was really fucking annoying. I pulled my glasses off and tossed them onto the coffee table, letting him know that I meant business.

“Excited or something?” He grinned, shutting the door behind him.

I latched onto him, wrapping my arms around his neck and crashing our lips together. He forced his tongue into my mouth, his hands flying up to my hair, tangling his long fingers in it, pulling, biting at my lips…

I let go of his neck and wrestled with his shirt. My hands had gone stupid with excitement. I pulled the worn old shirt over his head and tossed it to the floor. My hands flew to his chest, shaking; I needed to know what he felt like, I needed to feel his skin under my hands. I needed him, every last little bit of him, and I needed it immediately. He unbuttoned my shirt and slid it off of me, then wrapped one arm around me, squeezing me close, lifting my chin so I could look him in the eyes.

“You’re fucking beautiful.” He whispered.

I'll be honest, I swooned.

I couldn’t help but want more as our bare chests pressed together. My senses were running on high, the spark and the static, the tension and the need churning so intensely between us that it seemed to turn the blood in my veins to pure adrenaline, my mind racing, my heart pounding. Nothing in the entire world mattered but this moment and the two of us together in this room.

“I need you, Sean.” I whispered back, pleading with him. He smiled, crushing his lips against mine, vicious and brutal.

I was shocked by the impact and the sudden burst of cold air against my skin as he pushed me away and my back hit the wall.

“Take your pants off.” He smirked.

He watched me strip, dropping my pants to the floor and kicking them aside. I did my best to cover my naked body with my arms, feeling demeaned and exposed in all the best possible ways. Grinning almost evilly, Sean licked his lips and walked to me.

He pushed my shoulders back against the wall and ground his hips against mine, the friction of his jeans against me was agonizing. All I could do was moan and plead with him to fuck me.

"Please, Seanie...please, it's starting to hurt...”I whimpered. I needed him, and I needed him now.

I was so relieved when I heard his zipper come down and his pants hit the floor. I felt his hardness against my own, I shivered and ached for more. I dropped to my knees and took him into his mouth, wrapping my tongue around him, stroking myself slowly. He felt so fucking good in my mouth. I looked up to him, he was watching me intently, his hand in my hair.

He stopped me, pulling me up to my feet. I was a little disappointed, I had wanted to taste him just a little longer, but this was no time to complain.

He ripped the condom open with his teeth and I helped him get it on, my hands eager and shaking. I looked into his eyes, all passion and fire, and wrapped my hand around him. He slid two of his fingers into my mouth, I sucked on them gently, coating them in saliva, staring him dead in the eyes.

“Wrap your legs around me.” He whispered as he wrapped his arms tightly around me. I white-knuckled him, holding him tight for stability.

He pulled his fingers from my mouth I braced myself, I knew what was coming. He hardly ever did this, as I didn’t really need much preparation, but this meant that it was going to be intense tonight. He teased me for a moment before sliding a finger inside of me.

_Yes, finally._

He added another, stretching and preparing me until he felt I was ready. He removed his fingers and finally pushed inside of me. Embarrassingly, I gasped, grasping his shoulders tightly. It felt so good to have him inside of me, stretching me out. His nails dug into my skin and I held him close.

“Oh, fuck…I forgot how fucking tight you are, Garrett…”

“Sean…please…fuck me, please…”

He pushed me up entirely against the wall, pulled out and pushed back in. It hurt so good that my breath caught in my chest. I tried to keep my grip on him and steady my breath.

His hips banged on my ass, the wall behind me rough, but I couldn't give a fuck. It hurt like hell, but, God, did I need it. I needed it rough and hard, and if Sean could do anything right at all, it was that. The pain finally turned to burning pleasure and my head fell back against the wall as I bit my lip. I gripped him with one arm, sliding my hand down my body and wrapping it around myself.

“Fuck, Goddammit, Garrett…” he panted, sweat dripping from his forehead as he looked down between us and watched me jerk myself off.

“Sean…I can’t…I’m gonna…oh, fuck, Sean…I’m right there, right fucking there…” I gasped, pumping almost frantically. He wrapped his hand firmly around my throat, earning a stifled, choking moan along with a satisfied smirk. He squeezed until finally I exploded, hard. Sean shuddered and pounded into me harder, watching me lick my hand free of my mess. It was that that finally sent him over the edge. He came inside of me, moaning my name and practically convulsing.

We stayed like that for a while, me sandwiched in between him and the wall, him using me as support so he wouldn’t collapse right to the floor. My heart was still pounding and my body twitching. We were a mess.

Eventually, he gave me a soft, gentle kiss as he pulled out of me and helped me keep my footing, discarded the condom to the floor, pulled his pants up again and found his shirt. He used it as a rag to clean our stomachs tossed it aside again.

“Eww.” I half-laughed.

He shrugged and tossed me my clothes, then disappeared into the kitchen. I dressed, using the wall as support, my legs still unstable from the earth-shattering orgasm he gave me. I found my cigarettes on the floor, lit one up, curled up in a comfortable, clean spot on the couch and called Benny.

“Hello, this is Benny, and I’m a douche!” was the answer.

“Goddammit, Trevin! Give me my phone!'

Some rustling...

“Hello?”

Finally. Benny.

“Hey.” I smiled.

“Hey, baby. Turning in for the night?” He asked.

“Mm-hmm. Just wanted to say I love you before I went to bed.”

"I love you too. You doin alright?”

“Yeah, I’m great." I stretched out on the couch. “I’m plenty sober now. I'm good for the night. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“I love you, Garrett.”

“I love you, too. Send Toby my love.”

“I will. Sweet dreams, baby.”

“Sweet dreams, gorgeous.”

We hung up and I finished my cigarette, put it out and snuggled up in the corner of the couch, drifting into a happy, satisfied sleep. I had to be the luckiest guy in the world.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major, huge, the biggest of thanks to one of my very bestest besties for writing the lyric snippets in the chapter. You are an angel and a goddess and a pretty cool kid. Love you.

8:30 AM

I woke gently and stretched, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and sitting up on the couch, yawning and observing my surroundings. I reached for my glasses and blinked hard to adjust. The smell of pancakes wafted in the air. Funny how just over 24 hours ago this place was a hectic mess, now here we are with gentle sunshine through the windows and pancakes sizzling.

I checked my phone- no messages, no calls.  Everything was okay with the guys. I reached out to the coffee table to pick up my cigarettes, pulled one out and lit it up.  

Pushing myself up off of the couch and heading towards the kitchen, I rubbed the tension of sleeping at a strange angle on the couch out of my shoulder muscles. I wandered slowly into the kitchen, taking in the sound of breakfast sizzling and dishware softly clinking together.  Trevin was in his usual spot, in front of the oven, singing and dancing to himself, off in his own little world.  Sean sat at the table, his arms folded on top of it, head resting on them.  

“ _Grant me simple acknowledgment, at least please steal a glance, I’ll give up my heart and soul, If you’d give me a chance_ ,” He sang, flipping bacon and pancakes, off in Trevinland, where everything was rainbows and happiness.  I stood quietly, leaned against the doorframe, and watched him.  People are so interesting when they don’t know they’re being watched.  I really enjoy watching them from a distance; it’s like seeing into them, seeing past the wall they put up and getting to know them on a whole new level without really knowing them at all.

“ _Place my heart to yours, let it beat with mine, I’ve come this close to giving in._ ” I joined in.  He turned and grinned at me, continuing to sing and cook.  This was my favorite one of their songs.

“ _After giving you my time…_ ” Sean croaked from his seat.  I stood with Trevin, sipping coffee as we made small talk until he finished cooking.  

Matt and Caleb came stumbling in a few moments later, joining us at the table.  They all rested their heads on the tabletop as Trevin set it for breakfast; lifting their heads and setting a plate down before laying their head back down on top of the plate.  He sat down finally, taking his apron and hanging it back in its place.  I had to smile at his effort, he worked so hard to take care of them; it made me sad to see how they sometimes really took him for granted.  I don’t think they realized what a beautiful, kind soul they were making a daily habit out of stepping on.

The other three boys lifted their heads, wide eyed, mouths practically watering.  Pancakes, bacon, hash browns, sausage, real maple syrup.  It was enough to make you drool, that’s for sure.  These are the simple things that you really start to miss when you’re out on the road, so a nice, big, sit-down breakfast was a refreshing change of pace for us.

“How’d you get all the money for this at the grocery store?  Our account’s pretty much empty.” Caleb asked, emptying the syrup out onto his pancakes.

Trevin’s face fell from its bright grin, just for a moment. But it quickly returned and he shrugged.  

“I had some emergency money stashed away at my mom’s. I have to feed you guys, you know? Besides, I do the budget, so I know what's there, you don't.  We just had it this month...so eat and be happy.” He stumbled.

Despite the smile, his face went pale and he became very still, watching our friends carefully, as if to gauge their reactions. He held his breath, one hand planted firmly on the table, the other wrapped so tightly around his mug that his knuckles had gone white.  Extremely suspicious, considering that Trevin is not the type to be so easily flustered and he rarely ever lies, unless it’s to save his own ass.  There had to be something more that he wasn’t saying.

 Matt, Caleb and Sean each grunted in response, not even bothering to look up.  Trevin exhaled slowly, satisfied.  

 Until he looked over to me.  

 I raised my eyebrow at him and he blushed, sipping his coffee, avoiding eye contact.  I continued to stare at him until his eyes finally met mine again.  I cocked my head to the side quizzically; he shook his head slightly with pleading eyes.  He looked so desperate, terrified, I couldn't call him out on it.  I just couldn't.  He did fucking everything.  None of the other guys would know what to do if it weren’t for Trevin, he really does keep them all together.  I just wish that they would treat him better.

 “Guys…I think I’m gonna go.  I gotta get home to the guys,” I stood and set my coffee cup in the sink, which won me a smile of gratitude from Trevin, “and don’t forget, we leave later today, I’m not sure where to, but I know we leave.”

 Blank stares and a smile and a wave from Trevin were all I got as a good-bye.  

As I got outside and pulled out my phone to call Benny so he could come pick me up, I couldn’t help but wonder what was up with Trevin, and why he had to lie like that.  He’s normally such a moral and honest person.  To lie seems like it actually causes him physical pain.

 Oh well.  Everything comes out in the wash eventually.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Content Warning-  
> This chapter contains several non-graphic mentions of self-harm.

8:45 AM

I sat on the steps of the porch, gazing off in the distance.  Benny had said he’d be there to get me within half an hour.  And thank God for that, because I didn’t like how sweaty I was getting.  I cursed the instability of early autumn weather. It couldn't decide whether it wanted to be 90 degrees or 50 degrees.  Welcome to the joys of seasons on the East coast.

Sure, I could have waited inside.  But inside was awkward and uncomfortable at the moment.  I thought hard about Trevin, deeply concerned…the panic in his eyes, his sudden uncertainty of himself, and how did the guys not hear the fear and shame in his voice?  I’d never seen Trevin unhappy.  I knew it happened, though.  I’ve seen the cuts and the burns and that he gives himself.  And I was no one to judge that.  I've been there, too.  I've hurt myself countless times, and I wasn’t alone in that in this circle. Toby, Sean, Matt, Trevin; all of us had been there and understood that. Great minds, right?  

That doesn’t make it any better, though.  We had thought he had long since recovered, that he was on the path to being healthy again.  I guess you can never really know how someone is feeling on the inside and how they’re going to endure, even if you spend almost all your time with or near the person.  Poor Trevin, slip-ups and relapses are more painful than the actual habit.  At least in my opinion.

I pictured his face going pale in panic again.  It broke my heart.  Trevin was the last pure being in that house.  If he were up to something bad, the world would most definitely explode.  

The shrill honk of our rental car shattered my thoughts.  I shook it off and walked to the car, smiling as I saw Benny smirking at me from the driver’s side, Toby in the back seat, waving and grinning like a madman.  I pressed my face up against Toby’s window and licked it before opening the passenger side door and flopping down in the seat.  

“Garrett…that was really gross…”Toby scoffed.  

“Gimme a kiss.” Benny leaned over to me a little bit.  I leaned in the rest of the way, and gave him a quick kiss.  He smiled and licked his lips as he put the car in drive and headed of towards the hotel.  We cruised through the city, singing along to the radio.  Even the best night of sex with Sean didn’t come anywhere close to the happiness I felt in times like this.  

We made it to the hotel, and headed up to our room.  Chris and Eli rushed back and forth through the door that connected our two rooms, taking back what we borrowed from them, giving back what they had borrowed, tripping all over each other.  I had to laugh; they were always so frantic about packing.  I went to my bed, where my suitcase lay open, packed and ready for me to close it up and lock it.  That’s odd…I hadn’t packed…

“I did it for you!” Toby came to stand beside me, grinning ear-to-ear.  “Look, I packed all your stuff up.  Everything is here.”

I looked down at it as he continued.  Everything was askew.  My cigarettes were getting crushed.  My earbuds were all tangled.  Sometimes, Toby's best intentions and kindest gestures were the things he screwed up the most.  This was minimal, not really a big deal, and I’m not going to nitpick or sweat it because this was a very kind and helpful gesture and I’m not that easily bent out of shape, but it's gotten way out of hand before.  He makes these kind gestures for you and goes way out of his way to please you, no matter what it is that you want.  It makes me worry sometimes, because you never really know what he’s going to get himself into.  But, he’s an adult, in his mid-twenties, just two years younger than me, and his decisions are just that, his.  I smiled at him.

“Thanks, Toby.  That was really sweet.”  

We got our shit all situated and we piled into a little shuttle bus that was going to take us to our RV.  I missed it so much.  I couldn’t wait until I actually had a reason to smell kinda funny.  

Finally, we reached the meet-up lot, where we were supposed to have met up with our road manager/general manager/surrogate father Norman nearly an hour earlier.  And there he was, impatiently tapping his foot.  We climbed out of the shuttle, grabbed our bags and rushed towards the RV.  I slowed once I saw the look on Norman’s face, and the way he had his arms crossed over his chest told us he wasn’t too happy with us.  The guys must have sensed the same thing I did, because, suddenly, no one seemed eager to get there at all.  But we had to.  

"This is personally insulting to me, guys!" He shouted in our direction.

"Come on, guys, let's hurry! We wouldn't want to personally insult Norm!" Benny taunted, lighting a cigarette and taking his time in the approach, like he was taking a pleasant Sunday stroll.

"Not funny." Norm's tone was serious, but to be frank, he was hard to take very seriously at all most times. So we patiently endured the verbal abuse.  It had a very loving purpose behind it, like a concerned parent scolding their child.  And I think I can safely speak for us all when I say that’s what we felt like.  Scolded children. It passed, he got over it and gave us hugs, then went about his…managing stuff…leaving us to our luggage and ourselves.  We rushed in and reacquainted ourselves with it.  Eli immediately opened the windows.  

“We haven’t been on it in a week, and still, it smells like cat food and ass.” He grumbled. “No place like home.”

We stowed our things away in our individual bunks and shuffled back out into the lot, taking every opportunity to stretch our legs and enjoy fresh air before hitting the road.

The guys rolled up half an hour or so later. Benny ran to Trevin, high-fiving him and bear hugs ensued.  Chris, Eli, Norman and Caleb made a concentrated effort to load up the trailers, Toby and Matt isolated themselves by a fence, splitting a thermos of hot coffee. Sean approached me, arms open. I hugged him tight.

"I missed you.” He whispered.

“I’m so excited, Sean.” I whispered back, kissing his cheek.

"So--"

"Hey, you know who was talking about seeing you today?  Chris.  Chris missed you.” I gestured towards Chris. They went back in history a little bit further than we did, they had met back when Chris was doing light design for local clubs. Eventually we snatched him up as a drummer and history was made. Small world after all.

"Really?” His eyebrows shot up as he looked off towards Chris. I nodded and he kissed my cheek, heading off towards the only ones who were actually working on anything.

I made my way over to Trevin, having sent Sean to Chris.  I smiled and waved at Chris as he shot me a death glare.  

“Trevin?” I asked, tapping his shoulder.  

“Garrett! Hi!” He hugged me.  

My stomach turned.  

Did I really need to know what was wrong?  Couldn’t I just let myself think he was still untainted?   Couldn’t I just let it slide, mind my own business, and let him handle it himself?  I mean, he’s an adult, even if he was the youngest one on tour by half a decade.  I should just let it go and move on, take his words at face value and be happy with that.

_ No, Garrett.  You need to know.  What if you can help?   _

We let go of each other, he was still grinning.  I tried my hardest not to tear up.  

“Trevin, about this morning…”I began.  His smile faltered, but sprang back immediately. Ah, caught. But caught at what?  

“Oh, that?  Ha.  Don’t worry.  It’s not like I’ve never noticed you or Toby lying.  I see it all the time.  You guys have a real problem, you know?” He tried to laugh it off.  

“Yeah, true, but, Trevin,  _ why _ were you lying?” I asked.  

I observed him closely, taking in every detail that I hadn’t taken the time to notice before.  I hadn’t noticed the bags under his dulling green eyes, or the gray in his light brown hair, or that he had lost weight when he couldn't really afford to in the first place.  But that could all be from touring, coincidental and not of consequence to the earlier lie.

“I just…was…”He toyed with his hair, inadvertently revealing the new cuts that lie under the sleeve of his sweater to me.  I cringed for him; I had a nagging suspicion that he'd been back at it, but no one ever wants to believe that someone they love has fallen back into their old bad habits.  

In the short time that we had all known each other, a few of us had gone through the vicious cycle of self-injury.  I remembered being there, trying to find the will to quit, having nothing and no one to fall back on.  My heart ached for him. At the same time, though, I felt a twinge- or more than a twinge, maybe- of jealousy that he was allowed to continue when I had been forced to quit. There were times when I missed it like nothing else, like I had lost a limb.  But now I was just being fucking ridiculous.  

I shook it off and turned my focus entirely back to him.  This time was about him, not me. He was so sweet, so sensitive, so selfless, and so young.  I wanted to take him and protect him and make sure that he was going to be alright, shield him from the world and all of its injustices, and keep his heart safe from the pain that was out there waiting for such a soul as gentle as his.  

“I just…they don’t need to...and you don't, either…it’s not really a big deal…honestly.  I’d do anything… _ anything _ for this band…for my friends…it’s not a big deal…it’s not…” He continued, avoiding eye contact.  He sounded more like he was trying to convince himself, not me.  

“Trevin.  You can tell me anything.” I reassured him.  He finally looked me in the eyes; he looked so tired, so beaten down.  A far cry from the bright ball of love and light that I’d always known.  

“There’s nothing to tell, Garrett.” He gave me a half-assed attempt at a smile, though tears were threatening to fall.  He let his arms fall, shoving his hands into his pockets.  “Really.  Everything’s great.”

I sighed, defeated.  I smiled back at him, pulling him into a warm hug.  He pulled his hands from his pockets, squeezing me back, letting out a little sniffle and a sigh that I pretended not to hear.  He obviously wasn’t ready.  

“Well, if you ever need anything, ever, call me. I might be four hours away, but I can drive like a madman.” I rubbed his back gently.

Pulling away, he smiled at me, and I gave him a little kiss on his cheek, and then headed back to our RV.  

_ Why is this hurting me so much?  I mean, the poor boy’s clearly hurting, and all I can think of is what it’s doing to me.  You are a selfish, selfish man, Garrett.   _

I saw so much of how I felt all too often in his eyes.  I could see his heart breaking; I could see his spirit slowly being crushed.  I pulled my blanket over top of me, curling into a little ball, crying.  

Crying for Trevin.  Crying for me.  Just crying.  


	8. Chapter 8

9:34 PM

I had been in the silence and darkness of my seat, crying to myself for maybe ten minutes before I heard the door creak open.  I pulled my sleeve up over my hand and used it to wipe my nose.  

_ Eww… _

I wiped my sleeve off with the blanket and curled up in an even tighter ball, hoping to get away with pretending to be asleep.  

“Garrett?  Garrett, baby, are you awake?” Benny whispered from the other side of my curtain.  

I hesitated, but ultimately decided that sitting and stewing in myself was not the best thing to do.

“Yeah.” I answered, pulling the curtain back.  He looked up at me in concern from outside, then pulled himself up to lay with me.  I scooted over and made room for him, curling up to him as he snuggled beneath the blanket with me.  I rested my head on his chest and felt better.  His smell, his warmth, just his presence in general made me feel better.  He was the equivalent of a safety blanket to me, as long as I was in his arms, nothing out there could possibly hurt me.  I breathed in his cologne and nuzzled my face in his neck.

“Toby said that you came in here looking pretty upset.  Are you alright?” He asked, stroking my hair.  

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I replied, yawning.  “I guess I just had one of my moments.”

“Is there anything you need to talk about?  Anything you need to tell me?” He wrapped his arms around me and held me close, tracing little circles on my back with his fingertips.  

My stomach flipped.  Trevin was his very best friend, he deserved to know what was going on.  On the other hand, Trevin obviously didn’t want anyone to know; otherwise he would be talking to someone about it.  It wasn’t my place to crack it open.  

“No.  I’m okay. Just being silly.”

“I’m sorry about that, baby.” He placed his finger under my chin, tilted my head back and gave me a soft peck on the lips.  I sunk back into him and finally fell asleep, feeling a little better for having him with me.  “I love you. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

When I woke up the next morning, we were parked.  Somewhere.  Where were we?  What time was it? Where were my glasses?

I sat up and groped the overhead shelf-there were my sunglasses, at least- and climbed over Benny, stumbling out of the RV and into the sun with all of the grace of a newborn giraffe.  Eli sat outside with Toby, basking in the sun.  Eli had his usual bowl of cereal and a smile, very much a morning person. Toby had a cup of coffee and a scowl on his face.  I grinned at him and lit a cigarette, gazing into the distance, trying to figure out exactly where we were and why the fuck we weren't moving.

Eli handed me one of the multiple extra-large cups of coffee that he’d gotten from the gas station we were parked outside of, still shoveling cereal into his mouth.  The man was a goddamned genius.  The way to my heart is definitely through a nice cup of dark, strong black coffee and a cigarette.

“Ugh, thank god. You’re brilliant. Good morning, Eli.” I graciously accepted the cup.

He gave me the thumbs up, sipping the leftover sugar-milk from his bowl.  

“Morning, kid.” I smiled at Toby.  

“Mmmf.” He muttered under his breath.  

I sipped at the coffee, taking in my surroundings.  

Fields.  Corn.  Barns.  

_Where the fuck are we?  Have we even made it out of Pennsylvania?_

“We were really low on gas.  We've still got like four hours to go before the next stop.” Eli answered my thoughts.  I laughed to myself.  Leave it to Norman to yell at us for being late and then be unprepared himself.  I made my way to the open trailer, plopping down almost listlessly onto edge of it.  I was actually having one of my so-called “moments” now.

About two hours later, two godforsaken fucking hours, we were able to get back on the road.  Then, finally, we got back to the highway.  Benny plopped onto the bench seat beside me, stretching.

“Where’s Chris?” he asked.  

“Still sleeping.  Way in the back.” Toby yawned from the other side of me, rubbing his face intently, still waking up. I don’t know if he’d ever been fully conscious since he was five years old.

Benny wobbled his way to the back, we had spent basically the last four years all but living in this very same RV and it was really very roomy on the inside and pleasant to be in, we had become very used to moving in it like it was a mini-house, but that didn’t mean it was safe to do so.  Benny didn’t really ever seem to care about that, though.  I don’t know how many near-accidents we’d had because Benny thought it was a good idea to fuck with Chris in the back.  It had been going on since day one and showed no signs of stopping. The door to the back room closed with a clatter.

“It’s gonna be a long day, huh, Garrett?” He asked wearily.  

“Yup.”  

The day passed somewhat uneventfully, nothing much had changed from that morning.  I felt like shit.  I had felt fine when I was on stage, but I always did.  That was in thanks to the adrenaline that ran through me up there; I was a totally different person when I had a crowd.  I don't know what the hell gets into me, if there’s a crowd of more than ten or so people, I automatically go into performance mode and really put myself out there.

But now I was standing side-stage with Toby, watching The Drive wrap up their performance.  It ended with the standard encore song, and Sean’s usual back and forth with the audience of the closing song's final lyric, maybe 5 or 6 times before he dropped the mic to the floor threw his arms in the air and gave an incredibly theatrical bow. He half-jogged offstage, followed closely by the others. I grinned at them as Toby clapped enthusiastically. Sean grabbed my face, hard, smashing our lips together. He was sweaty and smelly and still filled with adrenaline. If I had known it was coming, I would have braced myself for the impact, but Goddamn did it turn me on.  I pried him off of me, catching my breath, laughing.  He grinned and walked away, catching up to Matt.  Trevin passed by me, keeping his eyes to the floor, doing everything possible not to make eye contact with me.  Toby looked to me, wide eyed.  

“That had to be _so_ gross.” He shuddered, shaking his hands off like they were covered in grime. "Why is he so. Fucking.  Gross?"

“He's not  _ only _ gross, Toby, there's a lot more to him than that.” I shrugged.

He shot me a skeptical look.

“I’m not seeing it.”

“Look, alright? He’s sweet.  He makes me laugh.” I linked my arm through his and lead him down the hall. “He’s full of adventure, that’s for sure.”

“I don't think he's good for you.” He kicked away a little piece of scrap metal that had caught his attention.  “I think he’s shitty.”

“What do you mean?  Laughter and fun are good things, Toby."

“Well, yeah, they are, but…I don’t know…I don’t like him.  I just don’t like him.” He sighed. "I mean, you're gonna do what you're gonna do, but he puts me off sometimes."

“You don’t have to worry.  He’s not bad.  Really. I know he’s not for everyone, but he’s not bad.” I reassured, earning only a shrug in return.  

In the green room, after a quick shower, I sat on the overstuffed couch between Benny and Toby, holding Benny's hand, sleepy and dazed as the adrenaline wore off.  Toby snuggled up to me, his head on my shoulder, as he intently texted Alexis, his long-time fiancee. Sean approached us, strangely slowly, like he’d scare us away if he were to move too quickly.  

"Hey, you wanna take a walk?” He asked, motioning towards the door with his head.

“I’m good.” Benny shrugged.

“Yeah, no, I’m alright.” Toby rested his head against the wall, closed his eyes, and pulled his wool hat down over them.

A walk actually sounded really nice. I could use some air.

"Yeah, alright, let's go.”

We strolled slowly down the hall and out into the night.

“So what was bothering you all day?” He asked, pulling me closer as we walked.  

“I don’t know.  I was just in a haze, kind of. You know how it is.” I shrugged, staring off into the middle distance.

“I can make you feel better…” He smiled slyly at me, pulling me close and wrapping his arm around my waist, pressing our bodies together.  He brought his lips to mine, pressing down on them softly, smiling slightly into the kiss as he let go of my hand and pulled me even closer, resting on the back of my neck as I wrapped my arms around him.  He pulled away, a soft and gentle look across his face.   

“I love you, Garrett.  You’re my best friend.” He whispered, stroking my hair.  I could have cried.  

Moments like this, I couldn’t understand for the life of me why Toby didn’t like him. I wish everyone could see him this way, then they’d understand.

“Awwww, Sean.  You’re my best friend, too.” I squeezed him tight.  There are times when I feel like I need to be as close to him as possible, like I want us to be joined at the hip forever.  

He sighed heavily and ran his hands up and down my back.  We rocked slightly, kind of like a very, very slow dance, enjoying the embrace and the calm, relishing the silence that we rarely ever get.  We stood like that for what felt like eternity, but not nearly long enough, before he broke the silence.  

“Garrett?  I think maybe we should get you back to the guys now.”


	9. Chapter 9

11:15 PM

I was very, very upset.  This was the last day of the tour, we'd be splitting up. Fall had officially rolled in, it was time to go home and start new albums, to separate.  This was the last time we would be one giant entity.  

We sat around the room, nowhere near as joyful as we had been all summer.  It was almost like a death of a close friend, it’s never going to be back.  You can look back at pictures and home videos and reflect, but it just wouldn’t be the same.

"Do you remember when the tour started?  When our RV's still smelled new, and not like ass?" Trevin pouted, staring at the floor, eyes welling up with tears.  We all nodded solemnly.

“This is all really dramatic. We live four hours apart, you guys.” Matt sighed.

Who was he calling dramatic? Four hours is a lot when you have so many people to coordinate. It would be a lot easier to visit and stay close if we were all in one big—oh my god.

I had an epiphany.

"Oh my god, he’s right. You guys.  I just got an idea.” I gasped.

They looked at me with sad eyes.

"We should...I think it would be a fucking amazing idea if we got a house together. There are tons of huge McMansions going up around our city. I’m positive that we could find something that would fit all of us.”

I’d had this dream when we all met, about us being great friends and living happily ever after in a house together like a great big family.  I saw no good reason why moving in together wouldn’t work; if we weren’t on tour together we were constantly visiting each other.  And nothing makes you see and accept anything and everything about somebody like touring with them, so it's not like there would be any surprises if we lived together.  We already practically did anyway.  So this was just natural.

We looked at each other for a few moments, processing the idea before a general joy spread through the room and everyone agreed that yeah, that would be the coolest fucking thing. I know it's extremely millennial of us, but cohabitation really does make the most sense when you really break it down.

"So it's settled.  We'll buy a house together.  But.  You guys will have to come to us. We’ve got more stuff than you.” Benny shrugged.

The rest of the night was spent discussing what we were looking for, where it should be, who should have to room with who, things like that.  The ride home the next day was only a few hours long, spent peacefully sleeping.  

Sean had called Norman and proposed the plan, it took some coaxing and convincing and whining and practically begging him, but after we skewed the view to include that it would be much easier to manage the nine of us if we were all in the same area, and that we were planning on collaborating on an album together, he agreed happily to it and called it smart money management.

And man, Norman must have had divine guidance when he found us a house. With the length of his career and his list of industry connections, he found us an exquisite rental property that was sufficiently secluded for our needs.  It had six bedrooms, three bathrooms, a giant living room with a fireplace, a huge backyard, a giant, beautiful kitchen-which everyone knows is the most important thing- and an enormous wooden deck in the back. Anything and everything you could ever want in a house. It was apparently seized property, he worked with the police to finagle a deal on it before it went to auction.  I thought we’d be searching forever, so it was really exciting when Norman called after two short weeks and said that it was all ours.  I couldn’t wait to move in and be one great big happy family, and with such ease of transition. Or it could have been complicated, I don’t know, you start to become kind of sheltered when you have managers and they take care of everything for you.

We officially started the move-in on a Saturday morning.  Benny set up our room, running back and forth excitedly with tools and pieces of furniture, kicking me out so he could do it, claiming that I was cramping his style.  So I went and found Trevin, I figured no one would have had the presence of mind to offer him any help.  Of course, I was right.  I helped him unpack, it was the least I could do; I felt bad for pressuring him to unburden himself to me.  Which, by the way, he still wouldn't talk about.  

"A place for everything, everything in its place.” He smiled as we finished unloading boxes.  There wasn't much to it, their house was much smaller than this one. Mine was, as well, but I have a clothing hoard that spans literal decades, it’s almost disgusting. Each member of The Drive except Trevin had spent time at one point in their life being homeless, or basically homeless, couch surfing and finding 24-hour stores where they could hang.  It was Trevin who took Sean in, and Matt who took Caleb in, and eventually they all got a house together.  So living in a house with other people was natural for them, I think this was the fifth or sixth time they’d all moved house together.  Still, though, Trevin had what seemed to me to be an unusually small amount of personal things.

"It's kind of…bare, isn't it?” I asked, looking around.  It was so depressing, it wasn’t warm and full like him.

"I'm a simple guy." He shrugged, taking in his surroundings. I never pictured him to be a minimalist, since he was so steeped in nostalgia like I was, but hey, different strokes.

We spent the rest of the time organizing his things, I fawned over cute scrapbooks he had made with his sisters. He seemed happy at the moment, I guess whatever was bugging him was alright now.  There was such a drastic change so quickly, very odd considering the state he was in, people don't normally snap back so quickly from such a thing.  I was still concerned, suspicious that he may be putting on a front for us, but obviously I couldn’t get a word out of him.  It frustrated me, I feel helpless and worthless if I’m not able to help people.  But I let it go; things would come out in time if they were meant to.

Caleb yelled up at us that dinner had arrived. We met downstairs for pizza, sitting on boxes, talking about how awesome it was going to be.  None of us had quite felt like grocery shopping or even bringing in more than the coffee maker and toaster, we’d get to it in the morning. I was a little hesitant to join in, I’m really a mess around some foods, especially when it comes to pizza, I’d eat the entire thing if you’d let me. But this was a special occasion, it would be okay, I could have a slice and allow myself to enjoy it. It’s okay to enjoy things like that sometimes. Sometimes.

Later that night, Toby came to sit with me on the porch, smoking and taking in our surroundings.  The view was incredible, on top of a hill as a stand-alone. We had neighbors, yes, but they were staggered more than a stone’s throw from us, on fabricated little hills of their own. This was obviously the type of neighborhood that people moved to if they wanted to stay out of your business and wanted to keep you out of theirs. When I was little, we’d drive through this neighborhood on the way to visit my grandmother and I’d always dreamed of having a house here.  My family was much too poor for that, but I promised myself that I would live here one day, and finally, I had kept that promise.

"Garrett?” Toby asked, staring into the distance with me.  

"Yeah, buddy?"

"Don't get me wrong here, this was a great idea, and I'm glad we can all live together and see Matt and Trevin and Caleb more often, but can't we make Sean live somewhere else?" He sighed.  

"Toby!  No!  We can't just kick him out on the day we moved in!  It would be so beyond fucked up to just leave one person out, especially Sean, of all people.”

Silence for a few beats. He squirmed a little.

“What’s the deal, Toby? You know you can tell me anything.”

"I...I don't like him.  He makes me so uncomfortable sometimes.”  Toby whispered back, looking at the ground in front of him.

"He just comes on a little too strong sometimes.  That's all.” I put my arm around him, flicking my cigarette off into the yard. He laid his head on my shoulder and sighed.

"Isn’t this sweet?” Sean cooed from behind us.  Toby glared at him and stomped inside.

"Dude!?" Sean called after him.  

"Fuck off, Sean!" He yelled back.

Sean looked to me, confused, slightly hurt.  I shrugged and he seemed to brush it off.

"I'm going to bed.”

"I’m up for a bit. Sleep well, Seanie.” I smiled.

"You’re the best.” He blew me a kiss.

"No, you.” I returned it.

He vanished back into the house, leaving me to my thoughts.

In his entire life, Toby’s gut instinct had never, ever been wrong, or even a little off.  His first impression of people turned out to be the truth, no matter how long it took for it to come out. Except this time. What was it about Sean that put him off so much? I decided to dismiss it as jealousy, although Toby was in no way the jealous type. It was true that when Sean was around I didn’t give Toby nearly the amount of attention that I usually did, and that’s a lot of fucking attention, believe me.  I made a vow to myself to make sure that I still made Toby feel like he was most important, even if Sean was around.  After all, Toby is priority number one, first and foremost, above anyone else.

It was time to turn in.  All the excitement of the day had worn me out.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Content Warning-  
> This chapter contains recreational prescription narcotic abuse.
> 
> -Content Warning Containing Spoiler-  
> This chapter contains graphic non-con.

12:49 AM

I still didn't know what Toby's problem with Sean was.  He seemed pretty fun to me.  

Things were full-swing at our housewarming party, and Sean and I had secluded ourselves away in a private little corner together. I was feeling pretty great.  

"You know what I did, like 30 minutes ago?” I leaned into him, checking to see who was listening.

"No, what?” He leaned in as well. I shot a look over at Benny, Trevin, and Sunshine--Trevin's girlfriend--who were too absorbed in what they were doing to pay any attention to me.

"Percocet.”

I know, opioids and liquor are not to be mixed, but I couldn't be fucked to care. Fuck it, all of my close friends were around, if anything were to go wrong, the hospital was close enough that I wouldn’t die, what could it really hurt? Besides, it’s not like I was back on the coke again. This wasn’t high school.

"Wow. I guess you’re feeling pretty great right now, huh?” Sean laughed, knocking my hair away from my eyes. I nodded, my head felt loose and I was so, so comfortable.

I wandered away from him and joined Benny, Trevin and Sunshine in the kitchen. Sunshine was honestly breathtaking, she had a bright smile and kind eyes, she was whimsical and sweet like a flower, the daughter of two hippies, raised on a commune. She was blending right in with all of our friends, though she was drunkenly clasping Trevin's shoulder for stability.   But she could definitely hold her own drinking with the guys.  She had thrown up earlier, all over herself, so now she was wearing Trevin's pajamas, which she kept tripping over, seeing as how Trevin was at least a foot taller than her, she couldn't have been any taller than five foot...something...she was cute, we'll just say that.  My thoughts were getting more whimsical and less coherent by the second, I won't bore you with them.

We chatted for a little bit, but I was honestly fading in and out of the conversation, it was getting progressively harder to focus. In an attempt to find a seat on the couch, I stumbled extravagantly, knocking over a side table and a lamp. To say I get sloppy when I’m drunk is an extreme understatement.  On a normal sober day, I trip over my own feet with great consistency.  I can’t walk a straight line to save my life.  So when you add alcohol to the mix, things get really messy.

"Okay, baby," Benny took my hand and helped me up, “I think it's time for you to go to bed. Go with Chris, he'll take you upstairs."

"But Benny, I'm really good and--"

"Shh, Garrett.  Enough now.  Let’s go.” Chris urged me up the stairs.  

"Chris, come on, man, be a bro. I don't want to go to bed." I attempted a bargain, but he wasn’t hearing it.

"You’re going to sleep now, Garrett. You need to lay down.”

He laid with me for a little bit, seeming content that I would stay put.

"Stay here, okay? Get some rest. We'll see you in the morning."

I counted to sixty, enough time for him to have rejoined the party, and snuck out into the hallway, where I ran smack into Sean.

"No, come on.  I heard Chris, you stay here.” He ushered me back to my room.

I pulled him onto the bed with me, I suddenly needed him, badly.

"Sean...Sean, you should fuck me.”

"I should. I definitely should.” He kissed my neck and started working at the buttons on my shirt.

We undressed as smoothly as we could without breaking the kiss, I wanted him so, so badly.  I pulled away and rummaged through Benny's bedside dresser for our bottle of lube. I triumphantly squirted a generous handful and wrapped my hand around Sean's length, stroking him slowly, covering him in the warming liquid.

He grabbed my wrists, pinned me down on the mattress and slid inside.

"Sean...fuck me...” I begged.  He pulled out and pushed into me again, his hands roamed by body, gripping my hips and pounding me with all that he had.  I moaned, arching my back, pushing back against him, hands up against the wall for maximum thrust.

"Oh my god...Jesus fucking Christ…” I gasped.

He thrust harder still, pulling my face to his and smashing our lips together.  His teeth pierced my bottom lip, just a little, and suddenly, it didn't feel good anymore.  It hurt, not in the good way like it sometimes does.  I couldn’t stand the pain; this wasn’t going to feel better as it went on like it did before.  Something was different this time. Something was going very, very wrong.

“Sean, wait. Stop for a second.”

He didn't listen.

"Sean...Sean, stop...it hurts now...”

He still didn't stop.

"Sean...Sean, please, pleaseplease stop...”

He still didn't listen.  He just kept going, harder and faster, despite my pleas and my feeble drunken attempts to push him away.  I tried as hard as I could, hands against his chest, but I couldn’t get out of his grasp.  Eventually I gave up.  I just let him fuck me as I sobbed, pain jolting through my body.  Tears streamed down my face, everything hurt so fucking much.  He finally finished, collapsing on top of me, sweaty and panting.  I was in shock, I had never been in so much pain in my life, I could barely breathe. I stared at the ceiling, empty, shaken, confused.

"Why didn't you stop?” I whispered, tears still streaming, eyes fixated on one specific tile in the ceiling. He was still on top of me. I wanted him off, but I couldn’t move.

"You can't just expect me to stop right in the middle of it, baby.  That's not very fair, is it?” He pulled out and plopped down next to me.

_ That’s not the way this works. Stop means stop. _

"But I asked you to stop.” I wiped my tears away. My hands were shaking, my heart was in my throat.

“I was so close, baby. I had to finish. You understand, don’t you? You’re so beautiful, I just wanted to finish inside of you. You got me so hot, can you blame me?”

He had a point, I guess. Kind of.  I started it, I couldn’t expect him to just stop.  I just wish he would have cared enough to stop or at least ease up when I asked.  I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself.  I had nothing to cry about, I instigated the situation, I wanted him to fuck me, so what if he got a little carried away?  

But it had felt so much more malicious than that. My head was spinning, I was close to blacking out.

“I don’t know,” I pressed my hands to my eyes. “I’m really confused, Sean.”

"You’re really high, babe.  Now let's get dressed and forget all about this.”

I slowly redressed, unsure of how I felt. I was very conflicted.

"Sean?  I just want to go to sleep now.” I snuggled under the covers.

"Okay, Garrett.  I'm going to go to bed now.” He kissed my forehead, tucking me in tighter and pushing my hair behind my ear. ”Have sweet dreams.”

I nodded, but I wasn't so sure. I felt sick, and I couldn’t tell if it was the drugs or the sex. I just wanted the night to end.

"Good night, Sean.” I whispered.

"Good night, Garrett.” He replied, heading out and shutting the door behind him.

I fell into a restless sleep. I was aching, confused, scared.


	11. Chapter 11

10:33 AM

I woke with a throbbing head and a knot in my stomach.  

I headed downstairs, limping.  My ass was on fire and it wasn't pleasant.  I sat down at the table, aching, avoiding eye contact with anyone I passed, and dropped my head onto the table with a loud thud.  

"Ouch.” I whimpered, tears coming to my eyes.  Benny squatted down next to me.  

"Baby?  You alright?" He asked, rubbing my back. I just wanted to take him upstairs and lay with him forever.  I wanted nothing more than to crawl back under the covers and not move for eternity.  There was extra shuffling and a creak across the table from me as someone else took a seat. I didn't care.

"Aspirin, Benny.  If you love me, you will bring me aspirin.” I whispered.  My own voice fucking split my head in half.  The sound of the clock ticking was driving me absolutely insane.  Benny laughed and left to get the medicine from the bathroom.  The silence left in the room was such a fucking relief.  

I was startled as a hand ruffled my hair, I lifted my head to see Sean sitting across from me, smiling. My head was heavy, I propped myself up on my arm.

"You didn't tell Benny about last night, did you? Just curious, you know.” He asked.

“No, I didn’t think it was much worth mentioning.” I rubbed my forehead, exhausted. I wanted to put that behind us, I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone, much less Sean or Benny.

"Good.” He grinned, relaxing back in his seat.

Benny returned with the painkillers, he was the angel of acetaminophen.

"Morning, Benny.” Sean greeted him. 

"Sean.” Benny left the pill bottle on the table and nodded at Sean passively before taking his leave from the room.

Sean looked to me, pouting. I couldn't care, it was inconsequential to me. I shrugged and dry swallowed the pills.

"You know, I've got something you can swallow...” He rubbed my thigh.

I wanted to kick him.  Not only was I in pain, I hadn’t even been awake long enough to process the world around me, and besides, I was still shaken and confused by the night before. I wanted to throw things at him; at the very least tell him that I just wasn’t in the mood.  

But instead I just sat there.

He was right, anyway; you can't just say "no" right in the middle of something you started, that wasn't fair.  

"Sean, no...not right now.” I pushed his hand off of me.

"What? You don't feel like it?" He challenged. His tone was mocking, condescending. Self-righteous and indignant. The fucking nerve of him.

His eyes clouded over, dark and threatening, his face stern and suddenly frighteningly serious.  He clenched his hands into fists and glared at me, this was the first time I had ever seen him this mad at me.

"Obviously not." I scoffed, gesturing vaguely to myself. I held my ground, forced defiance and resolve into my words, but I felt tears spring up just to betray me.

"You always feel like it.  That's all you ever feel like doing.” He snapped.

The hypocrisy. Which one of us woke up, trotted into the kitchen, and immediately began to solicit blowjobs from people? I was just trying to live. My chest tightened, tears imminent, and I wanted to flip the table over onto him. But I could only pout.

"That's not true." I mumbled.

"Yes, it is. And you know it. How often do you fuck Benny?  And how many times have we fucked in the past few weeks?  I mean, goddamn, Garrett, if Toby wouldn't have said no, you'd probably be fucking him right now. And he’s your brother.” He was so full of venom and anger.

He'd never called me out like this before, I was shocked. I didn’t know what to make of it, I was flustered. I felt my face go hot and my words were thick in my mouth.

“No, it’s not—“

“Don’t kid yourself, Garrett. Everyone knows that you hand it out like candy at Halloween. You couldn’t keep your pants on to save your life.”

He stood and stomped away, leaving me all alone in the kitchen.  

Where had this come from? What had I done? Shouldn’t I be the one who was outraged? Maybe? I was so fucking confused, I didn’t know what to do. So I did what I was best at, I shrunk away, I put my head down on the table and cried.  

Of all the things to jab at me, he had to bring up the strange feelings I sometimes had for Toby.

I don’t know why, and I don’t know how, but somewhere along the line I had developed what was maybe a kind of a crush on my little brother.  Don’t you sit there and judge of me, I get enough of that shit already, I don't need it from you.  You can’t help who you fall for.  

I’d managed to resist and maintain only a brotherly relationship with him, save for a few drunken make-out sessions and curious exploration a few years before. We didn’t talk about it.  It was buried and dead and it wasn’t coming back, no matter how often my mind wandered. I wondered if his did, too.

Regardless, though, it didn’t matter. He was my little brother, and I definitely shouldn’t feel that way about him.  But at the same time, the idea of being with him felt so right.  It hurt that Sean had used something so private and so personal, something I had told him in extreme confidence to avoid any humiliation that may come from it, against me.  Only the nine of us knew about it, for just this reason. I was already embarrassed and confused, not to mention beyond ashamed.  I know it’s wrong.  I know it’s sick.  

But I guess I’m just fucked in the head.  So fucked in the head.  What the fuck was wrong with me?  Sean was right.  If anything, he was putting it lightly.  

The fact is, I am a huge slut.  It’s true, I’m not going to sugarcoat it.  I am a dirty fucking whore.  I know it, you know, the world knows it. I may not sleep around like I used to, and I may actually know the name of the person I'm sleeping with now, but it all boils down to one fact- I am, at my core, a nasty little slut. And I’m so ashamed. But to hear it from my best friend, one of the people closest to my heart, fucking stung.  It really drove the point home.  I mean, Jesus Christ, if even Sean was going to ridicule me for it, it must be a million times worse than I had ever thought it was.  What the fuck kind of person was I?  How the fuck could I live with myself?

I ran my hand through my hair, grabbing a chunk along the way and pulling until it hurt.  A slight twinge of relief ran down my spine. I knew what I had to do.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Content Warning-  
> This chapter contains self-harm and the mention of a dead sibling.

11:15 AM

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at myself. I was a terrible sight.

_ So. Here we are again. _

I had told Toby I wouldn't, I had told Benny and Eli and Chris, and fucking everyone. I had told myself I wouldn't. I made commitments, promises.  

That was five years ago.  

But after last night, after this morning, after the past few months, after the burning desire I'd felt in my chest after seeing the work Trevin had done on himself, I knew what I had to do.

This was what I needed.  More than anything in the world, ever.

Well, maybe not ever, but at this point in time, I needed this back in my life if I was ever going to maintain any sense of self. I rinsed the blood from the sink, dabbed at my arm with some tissue paper and flushed it down the toilet, then looked back to the mirror.  

"Doesn't that feel much better?”  

This was just part of who I really was. I pulled the sleeve to my shirt down.  Thank God it was starting to get chilly, that meant I could get away with this for at least a little while.  I smoothed my hair and wiped my eyes, slipped the razor back into my pack of cigarettes and headed out into the hallway, where I ran into Sunshine.  She grinned at me, all air and light, as per usual.  

"Good morning.” She smiled. “And thank you.”

"For what?" I smiled back, cocking my head to the side.

"For opening your house to us.  This was a great idea, you all living together. So thank you, Garrett. I’m grateful for the generosity of you and your friends. You're such good people.” She kissed my cheek and gave me another gracious smile before heading into the bathroom behind me.  

_ Oh, the irony.   _

I smiled to myself again, heading to the kitchen.  Trevin sat at the table with Eli, a huge bowl of cereal between them, each one holding a spoon, stuffing their faces.  They looked up at me like they were waiting for something.  I gave them a little wave and walked out of the back door, sitting down on the back porch and watching a few kids run wild in the open field nearby.  It reminded me of when Toby and I were kids, playing with our sister in the back yard. I missed her.  She could have helped me sort all this out.  

I looked to the sky and sighed, closing my eyes, clasping my hands together tightly in my lap, the freshly torn skin that lay under my sleeve throbbing and stinging in satisfying pain.  

_ I know you're there.  I know you're watching.  Please don't think badly of me.  I'm a good person; I swear...I swear... _

"I swear it." I whispered into the void.  

The back door creaked open and Sunshine walked out, plopping down beside me and handing me a cup of steaming coffee.  

"So.  What's the problem, sugar?” She asked, looking at me like she could see into my thoughts.  

"What problem?” I smiled, taking the coffee from her, grateful.  She raised an eyebrow at me, looking up towards the sky, too.  

"Don't play dumb.  Something's up with you and I know it.  I just don't know what it is." She leaned her head on my shoulder.  

"I don't know what you're talking about.  I'm just hungover." I rested my head on hers.

"Last I checked, hangovers make you puke, make your head hurt, make you lay in bed all day.  They don't make you come to the back yard and pray.  That’s what you’re doing, right? Praying?" She put her arm around me, wrapping her free hand around my tightly clasped ones, and pressed a kiss to my temple.

_ Fuck.  You're too fucking obvious, you know that?   _

"I just…I don't know, Sunshine.  I don't feel right." I sighed.  

"Well, when you want to talk, I'm your girl. I'm here for you just as much as I'm here for them.” She winked, squeezing my hands.  

"I'll find you if I need to talk." I smiled.  She nodded, satisfied, kissed me on the forehead and headed back inside.  

I needed to get away for a while.  Go somewhere safe, where someone wouldn't try to talk back.  Where someone would just listen.  

I knew exactly where to go.  

I went inside and grabbed my keys and my wallet.  I told Trevin and Eli I’d be back eventually, my phone would be off, don’t bother.

After a short and silent drive, I arrived on the hilltop and sat on the grass, the ground still warm from the sun shining down on it all day, and laid down the flowers I had stopped to buy.  Carnations were always her favorite.  

"Hey." I whispered, smiling at the marble headstone. “I miss you.  I miss you a lot.  I wish you were here with us."

The breeze blew softly on my face, the streams of tears on my cheeks turned cold.  

"Toby misses you, too.  We think about you every day.  I really need you right now.  I'd do anything just to talk to you one more time.  Just for you to hug me and let me cry on your shoulder again, just for you to tell me how proud you are of me.  I need you so much right now, Alex.  I feel so cold inside. I don't want to feel like this anymore.  I'm hurting myself again.  I need to.  I'm worthless, really and truly.  I'm not good for anything. I feel so fucking horrible."

I sat and cried until the sun went down.  I felt a little better as I drove home; or, at least, I didn't feel like I needed to cry anymore.  

It was ten before I finally came home.  Everyone was sitting in the living room, watching TV.  

"Hey." I smiled as I walked into the living room.  

"Shh! Jason's on!" Sean hissed.  

Our good friend Jason, Sean had the biggest crush on him.  He'd been fan and dear friend since day one, and he used to host a radio show and a podcast based in NYC, we were guests all of the time. We probably owed him a lot of credit towards our respective successes; he had a wide and devoted fan base and we'd been told many times that someone had heard us for the first time on his show. It looked like he'd managed to land himself a talk show of sorts. Good for him, he really deserved it.

"Oh.  Sorry." I whispered. "I'm just gonna...head to bed now."

I walked upstairs and changed into my pajamas, then crawled under the covers.  Benny followed close behind, stripping down to his boxers and crawling beside me.

"You okay?" He asked, after a few minutes of silence.  

"Yeah." I whispered. "I went to see my sister today."

I felt him nod as he pulled me close, wrapping his arm around me and kissing my neck.  

"She's the angel on your shoulder, babe."

I nodded, closing my eyes.  

"I know.  You guys help keep me safe."

I drifted off to a peaceful sleep.  Maybe tomorrow would be better.


	13. Chapter 13

_ 12:45 PM _

Days and days passed...still, I felt no better.  And it fucking sucked, in my opinion.  

I sipped a on a cup of coffee, taking a ride to the bank with Toby. As we sat in the early afternoon traffic, I lit my...12th?...cigarette of the day, and I had only been up for two hours. My stomach bubbled and screamed at me, I took a drag and a deep breath, urging it away.

"You know, Garrett,” He said, eyeing my cigarette, “you smoke way too much."

I just looked over at him and smiled.  

"Yeah." I nodded.

"What's wrong, Garrett?” He whispered, his eyes sad and suspicious.  

"Toby, I'm fine. You know well enough how this goes. Up, down, up, down. Up will come again.” I smiled again. I didn’t feel like ‘up’ would ever come back. But hey, fake it until you make it, right?

"That smile is so fucking fake." He huffed, looking out the window.  

I didn't have an answer for that, it  _ was _ fake.  He knew me better than that.  Why did I even try to pull shit over on him?  We each knew when the other was lying.  So what was the point in pretending?  

"I just want to keep you happy, Toby.” I tapped on the steering wheel.  This was the longest fucking red light ever. “Besides. It’s not that important. And I don’t know what to say, anyway. It’s all been said before.”

"You know, Garrett, life isn't always about making other people happy.  Sometimes you have to make yourself happy. And it’s important to me. I worry about you when you’re like this. When good things are happening and you’re still…” He trailed off, gesturing into the distance. He didn’t need to finish, I knew where he was going with it.  

"Toby, this will pass. This comes in waves. You’ve seen me at all ends of the spectrum, we’ve been through this together.” I sighed, finally able to move with the flow of traffic again.  

"And don't think I don't know you're cutting again. Don't think I can't see that same look in your eyes.  You’re not that sly, I know you know how to hide things from me better than you’re doing.  Maybe no one else can see it, but I can.  I know you are. I can feel it.”

I pulled into a spot and put the car in park, resting my elbow on the door frame and my head in my hand, staring dead out of the windshield. I couldn’t look at him, since obviously my eyes betrayed me.  

“Toby, I—“

“I think maybe you want me to notice,” he turned in his seat to face me, “I think you’re trying to get my attention, trying to get me to talk to you.  That’s not fair, that puts me in a really shitty position. Because then, I have to decide if I want to say something, and risk upsetting you, or if I let it go and sit with the guilt of knowing that you’re in need and I didn’t do anything.”

“If you would just---“

“You have no idea how much that hurts me, Garrett.  You don't even think about how you're affecting everyone else.  About how you're hurting all of us and taking advantage of our feelings, just throwing them out of the fucking window.  You're really hurting me.  It's like you don't even care.  Every time you do that, you hurt me.  You're being selfish, Garrett."

"Toby, I am not.  You don't know what you're talking about. This is not the time or the place for this."

"Yes I fucking do! You don't think I remember?  Do you think I was too young and stupid?" He snapped at me as we got out of the car.  

"Don’t forget, you shared the same habit, so you don’t exactly get to sit on a high horse.” I snapped back as he took off in front of me.

“Low fucking blow, Garrett.” He huffed, spinning to face me.

“Okay, you’re right, that was too much. But everyone overreacted with me, it was different with me than it was with you.”

“It was not! It’s not different, it’s the same!” He threw his hands in the air. “Literally! The actual! Exact! Same! Thing!”

“It wasn't a big deal.” I continued despite him. “And it wouldn't be now, either, if I was doing it again.  Which I'm not." I breezed past him, eyes set on the one simple task of going to the bank and making a fucking deposit like we had planned.

Much to my surprise, he grabbed my wrist, spinning me around to face him.

"You're not?" He challenged.  I shook my head at him with resolve.  He pushed my sleeve up, and there it was, plain as day.

He stared at me with a defiant ‘I told you so’ in his eyes. I had no defense, I was busted. And shocked, on top of it. This was bold for him. 

“Toby—“

"Bullshit." He stomped away.  I wanted to go after him, I wanted to hold him and tell him everything was okay, that I really was fine, that none of this was a big deal.

_ In other words, you want to tell him more lies.   _

"Shut the fuck up." I muttered to my thoughts.  

I turned and walked back to the car, sitting down in my seat and resting my head on the steering wheel.  

_ Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't you  _ **_fucking_ ** _ cry... _

I lifted my head and took a deep breath, swallowing the tears that were rising.  

Several minutes of deep breaths and self-centering passed before the passenger side door opened and Toby plopped down beside me.  

"Garrett?” He looked at me meekly.  

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry.  I just…I just worry, you know?” He started to cry.  

I reached over the console and pulled him to me; he rested his head on my chest.  I kissed the top of his head and rubbed his back.

"Shh, Toby.  It's alright.  It's okay.  I'm fine." I whispered into his hair.  He pulled back and looked up at me with sad, soft, gentle green eyes.

"Garrett..."he began, but stopped and stared at me.  

"What is it?"

"Nothing.  Never mind.  Let's just go home."

We went our separate ways at the house, Toby heading upstairs as I made my way to the kitchen for some much-needed caffeine.  Sean approached from behind, snaking his arms around me.

"Hey there.” He whispered.

"Hey.”

“Trevin proposed to Sunshine.”

“No way! It’s on?” I grinned. I couldn't believe it, it was about time. I was so excited for them.

“It’s on.” He nodded.

“Aw, that’s so great. That’s really awesome news.”

It's funny how life can change like that.  Just like the flip of a coin.  Not fair sometimes, really, but if I've learned anything in my 29 long years it's that life sure doesn't give a flying fuck about fair.

"Yeah, so, look, let’s put together a celebration. Call some of your people, some of our people.  You in the mood for a party?” He asked, pawing at my stomach.  I hated that, and he knew it. My stomach was gross and flabby and I hated it so, so much.

"I think I could get behind that. I guess party sounds good.”

Maybe that was what I needed.  

He smiled and kissed my forehead.

"Sweet.  I'm gonna start making the calls.”

A party might just be the thing to lift my spirits.  To see our friends happy, having a good time, for me to be happy and have a good time...yeah, that was exactly what I needed.  


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Content Warning-  
> This chapter contains multiple mentions and one graphic act of self-harm.

12:30 AM

The party was full-swing.

Everyone was here, and I mean  _ everyone _ .  I looked around the crowded kitchen, watching Toby, Alexis, and Benny throw back shots with our friend Adrian. We had grown really close, Adrian and me. I wished he would come around more, but he tended to butt heads with Sean. A lot of people seemed to butt heads with Sean.

Alexis was setting the pace with the shots and the boys were struggling to keep up as a few guys that Toby had made friends with cheered them on. I’m pretty sure at least one of them wasn’t even old enough to vote yet, but in these circles I guess it’s really inconsequential.

I finished off my drink and tried to toss the bottle into the trash can, missing by at least a foot.  The bottle hit the floor and shattered into a million little glass crystals.  Trevin turned and looked at me from his spot by the oven, walking to me.  

"Oh...fuck." I giggled, clumsily getting on my knees to scoop the glass up.  I slipped and my hands went right into the glass, a sizeable piece scraping along the outside of my hand.  

"Oh, Garrett, honey, no..."Trevin semi-laughed, helping me sit upright and brushing the glass off of my bloody hand. “Sunshine, baby, can you take him and clean him up while I get this off of the floor?"

She nodded and helped me stand, walking me to the bathroom.  

"Wow, you really did a number here.” She laughed, pulling a length of toilet paper from the roll.

"It's not that bad," I examined it closely.

“I don’t know about that.” She took my hand, wrapped the toilet paper around it, and raised it over my head. “Hold that up there. It could be pretty deep.”

"No, it just looks like it. I’m a bleeder. Vegan, you know. No clotting. Weak blood. Anemic. Whatever." I joked.

“Yeah, yeah.” She laughed and patted my shoulder. “But still, let's get it clean. Roll up your sleeve.  Let's get you washed up."

She reached over to push up my sleeve and I pulled away, losing my balance and plopping down on the toilet.  

"No...I can do it." I assured her. “I got this.”

"Garrett, come on.” She sighed. “Let me fix you up and you can go about your way."

I cringed as she knelt down in front of me, retrieving peroxide from under the sink. There had to be a way I could distract her.  I was about to be busted for the second time in 12 hours. That couldn’t happen. She grabbed my wrist and pulled it down to her, softly and gently. She was going to be an amazing wife and mother on top of every other amazing thing that she already was.

"No wait!" I grabbed her shoulder. She looked up at me, startled, her eyes wide. "Sunshine.  Trevin loves you, Sunshine...he loves you so much, and --"

Something happened on the way from my brain to my mouth to make that come out less eloquently than I had planned.  All she did was smile, nod, and pat my cheek.  

“I know he does, that’s why we’re getting married.” She laughed. “And because I love him so much.”

We nodded at each other.

“Now, may I?” She gestured at my wrapped-up hand and began to remove the toilet paper from it. It was just a scratch, really. Just a badly placed one.

“See? I told you so. It’s nothing.” I shrugged, attempting to pull my arm back.

“Okay, so you’re right. But nevertheless, let’s clean it up.”

“It’s  _ fine.  _ I’ll wash it and it’s all good.“ I huffed, rolling my eyes harder than I had since puberty.

She pushed my sleeve up quickly. My heart sunk.

“No, You’ve got a blood trail and—“

“Fuck.”

“Garrett?” She whispered gently, pulling my sleeve back down. “What the fuck is this?"

"I had an accident.” I pulled my arm away from her and tried to leave her behind.  

"Garrett, that’s no accident. Honey. What are you doing?” She asked, blocking the door and forcing me to sit on the side of the bathtub. She sat on her knees in front of me, hand on my thigh, so very comforting.

I started to cry, I couldn't help myself.  She pulled me to her, I let my head fall onto her shoulder and cried some more. When it seemed like the brunt of it had passed, she flung my arm over her shoulder and walked me out into the living room to find Benny.  He was standing in a quiet corner, talking to Matt.  

"Hey, Benny?" she tapped on his shoulder with her free hand. “We have a little situation here."

He turned to her, his smile fading as he looked at us. He cocked his head to the side and I shrugged, sniffling.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” He asked, handing his beer off to Matt.

“It’s kind of private, Benny, we should find somewhere to talk about it, I don’t want to embarrass him.” She gestured to Matt.

“Matt’s cool, it’s fine. What’s wrong? Everything okay? Are you sick, baby?”

“No, Benny.” I sighed heavily. This isn’t how I wanted this to happen.

“Well what is it, then?” He furrowed his brow. Matt stood awkwardly behind him, clutching their beers. That part was actually pretty amusing to me.

“Benny, he—“ Sunshine began gently.

“She caught me with cuts, Benny.” I spat out. “Yes, that kind, exactly what you’re thinking.” 

"Whoa." Matt whistled, his eyebrows rising and his face going flush.  "I'm gonna go...over there now..."

"Garrett, baby..." He took me away from Sunshine, who gave me one last gently pat on the back.  

“Why?” He sighed heavily, taking my hand. 

“I’m just-“

“No. Never mind all that right now. I had a feeling about this, I knew it. Let’s just get you upstairs for now.”

"I'm so sorry, Benny...I need to sometimes. It's like smoking...I just  _ need _ to..."

"Shh...let's go upstairs" He soothed me.

We made it halfway through the living room before I stopped.  

"Benny?" I asked.  

"Yeah, baby?"

And then I threw up.  I threw up all over poor Caleb and poor Chris, all over myself, all over the floor.  And then I don't remember anything.  Until the next morning.  I woke up, head throbbing again, feeling the soft fabric of the blanket against my naked skin.  

_ Naked?  What the fuck?   _

I opened my eyes and looked around, seeing Sean beside me, also naked, watching me sleep.  

"Sean? Good morning.” I yawned, stretching. “What happened last night?”

“Dude, you were so fucked up.  Benny brought you up here after you nearly passed out in the living room.  I came up to look after you and you just pounced all over me.  I couldn't have gotten you off me if I wanted to.” He laughed, propping himself up comfortably to look at me.

"Oh.”

I felt very exposed, and snuggled deeper into the covers.

Silence.

“How do you feel?” He pushed my hair away from my eyes.

“Ugh.” I groaned.

“I’m not surprised, dude. You were a wreck.” He laughed.

_ Did I do that?  Did I pounce on him?  Did I really fucking do that?   _

I couldn't fucking remember anything. But that didn't sound like me. Who the fuck was I becoming?  

“Hmm. Yeah.”

We went silent again.

“Um...I'm going to go get in the shower.”  I croaked, sliding out of the bed and walking into the bathroom.  I turned the water on, as hot as it could possibly go.

My stomach lurched and I clutched the sink, dry heaving as I quickly grabbed a towel. If I was going to vomit, I wasn't going to vomit naked. Head hanging over the sink, I heaved and heaved and heaved but no result but water and bile. I filled the glass that Benny kept by the sink with water and chugged, and then again, and again, until results were produced. Thick, sticky bile with a vague aftertaste of whiskey and Dr Pepper and maybe wine? I repeated the cycle until the vomiting stopped. I rinsed my mouth and let my head fall back, my muscles tired, my throat raw. The thick steam from the shower was refreshing, like my own personal sauna. I rubbed my face and massaged my shoulders.

Satisfied that I wasn’t going to vomit again, I dropped the towel, stepped into and sat under the beating water.  I hugged my knees to my chest, crying softly to myself as the water ran over me.  

_ What are you doing?  Who are you?  Do you even care about Toby or Benny's feelings?  Do you care about anything but drinking and getting high and getting laid?  You're fucking disgusting.   _

I rested my head on my knees, shaking.  

I gazed around the steam-filled room, the glint of the glass left over from a mirror Benny had broken a few days before shining from the trash can.  I got out of the shower and grabbed the glass, stepped back in and curled up in the corner.  I stared at the glass for a moment, thankful in a way that Benny didn't think the same way that I did and had left the glass behind. As I watched the glass gleam and collect water droplets, I briefly lamented that I was very much a Lifetime Movie cliché at the moment. But hey, we are what we are, right?

I dragged the glass across the outer side of my thigh, drawing in a deep breath of relief.  And then again. And then again, and again, again, again. Six neat little lines. Even numbers, always even numbers.  Four, six, or eight. Never more, never less.

The blood and water swirled down the drain, taking the bad feelings away with them, if even just for a moment.  That moment was all I needed.  

The water washed over me until it ran cold.  I turned it off and grabbed a dark towel, patting at the new cuts until they stopped all hints of bleeding, then wrapped the towel around my waist.  

I cracked the door and peeked out, praying that Sean was gone.  

There must be a God, because Sean was nowhere to be seen.  I quickly dressed and slid the glass into my bag, retrieved my cigarettes and lit one, breathing the toxic smoke and letting it out with a heavy, satisfied breath.  

_ Everything will be okay now.   _


	15. Chapter 15

11:25 AM

I avoided Matt's sympathetic eyes as I passed him in the living room.  

"Garrett?" He grabbed my shoulder, turning me to face him. I put on my brave face and smiled at him.

"Yes, Matt?"

He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed lightly, giving me a kiss on the cheek.  

"Oh, man.  That's hot.” Caleb called to us from the kitchen.  Matt let go of me and flipped him off, laughing.  He turned back to me, still smiling, but his eyes full of sympathy.  

"If you need to talk to me about anything that's been happening lately, I'll listen.  Because I know things.  I might be able to help."  He nodded, patted my shoulder, and took off up the stairs; I stared up after him. What the fuck was that supposed to mean?  

I walked into the kitchen, put my cigarette out in the sink and threw the wet butt into the trash can.  

"Where is everyone?” I asked Caleb.  He shrugged, looking back to the newspaper.  A newspaper? How old-fashioned. Charming, really.

"Sean went to the store,” Sunshine answered, popping toast out of the toaster. “Toby and Alexis are upstairs, sleeping off last night, Chris and Eli went with Sean, Trevin and Benny took a ride to pick a friend of mine up from work for a visit."

"Do you know everything, ever?” Caleb smiled.  She nodded, plopping down in a chair.

Caleb nodded appreciatively and went back to the paper.  I poured some coffee and sat down next to her, watching the steam rise off of it.  She offered me a bite of toast. I stared at it for a moment, considering. It looked so buttery and delicious. My stomach was on fire, for layers and layers of reasons.

I smiled and waved it away.

"So!" she scooted her chair closer to mine, “Are we going to talk about this little problem?"

"What problem?" I smiled, sipping at my coffee.

"Come on, Garrett.  We can do this the easy way, and you can talk, or we can do it the hard way, and I can hog tie you until you talk."

"Does that actually work?" Caleb asked.

"I'd assume so." She shrugged. "But! That's not the point."

She turned to me, her hand on my arm, eye contact strong. I put two and two together. I had been found out. I was always fucking found out. How could I not remember that? How did I lose the entire night before? I didn’t even drink that much and it was just poof! Gone!

"Ah. That problem."  

"Yeah, that problem." She nodded.

"Let's work it out." Caleb folded his newspaper and joined the conversation.

"Jesus, is this community knowledge?" I scoffed.

"Kinda." He shrugged. "This is pretty intense cohabitation. We're in each other's business. It is what it is."

"Fair enough." I shrugged, taking a longer drink of the coffee this time. It’s my safety blanket. No harm can come to you if you have a coffee mug, it’s a rule of the universe.

"Alright, back to the point. What can I-- _ we _ \--do to help?" She smiled softly.

"I'm fine, Sunshine.  I can deal.  I've been here before, I dealt with it then.  I can do it again.” I smiled, nodding at them. They looked skeptical. Too skeptical to be swayed.

"If you dealt with it then, you wouldn't be dealing with it now.” Caleb chimed in.  

"Touché.” Sunshine grinned at him.  He shrugged and smiled.  

Did they do this to Trevin? Did anyone gang up on him like this? Is he okay now? Did anyone know that he wasn’t okay? I had questions. I wanted to use them to deflect. I decided better of it, no reason to possibly expose him. I needed to take it like an adult.

"Look, tag-teaming me isn't fucking fair.  I can deal with this.  I can fucking handle myself.  I am not a child.  I know what's good for me and what's not.  Right now, this is good for me.  I have total control now; I can stop anytime I want.” I insisted.  Yes, very adult.

"Then stop it now.” Caleb challenged.  

"I just said it's the right thing to do.  I said I can stop anytime I want.  But I just don't want to right now.” I shrugged.  

"You will never want to stop, not until it's too late.  You told Benny that you need it, it's like smoking, and you have to do it. If it's an addiction for you, Garrett, then you need help to stop it." She was very stern, very serious. This was unlike her.  

I don't know when I said that, but drunk me needed to stop running his fucking mouth.

"Look, this is why I never told anyone.  You all act like I'm going to fucking die.  I'm fine, I don't need help.  If I needed help, I'd ask.  But I don't, and I'm not asking for it.  I am positively fine, I’ve got a good grip on things here.  It’s going to be alright, I can handle it, and I don’t need you guys getting into it. It's embarrassing enough that everyone knows now, when this was supposed to remain very, very private. Don't get me wrong, this is very sweet, I love you all to death, but, please, just stop already." I left the room before another word could be said.  

I went upstairs, grabbed my bag, wrote a quick note for Benny, and left the house in a huff. Who the fuck did they think they were, trying to tell me how to live my life?  At 29 years old, I'd made it this far, I certainly didn't need any fucking help, especially not from a bunch of people younger than me.

I sat in the car, not sure where I was planning to go quite yet.  I just had to get the fuck out of that house, before I exploded.  

The next thing I knew, I was screaming.  Screaming and punching my steering wheel.  Screaming and crying. Grabbing the steering wheel and shaking it, shaking it so hard that if it were a person, I would have snapped its neck.

Finally, I stopped. I felt better, more relaxed, if not surprised at myself.  I took a breath and wiped my face with shaking hands.  The feelings subsided slightly, it felt like merely a pebble in my stomach, as opposed to the rock on my chest that it had been. And it was all Sean's fault.

Well, maybe that's not fair.  But it was  _ mostly _ his fault.

How in the fuck could I still have any feelings for him?  I really wanted to bash his fucking face in, I wanted to rip his head off and throw it out onto the highway.  But at the same time, he was my best friend and I loved him unconditionally.  I couldn't imagine a life without him, it was scary.  We'd been inseparable, to just lose him would kill me. Absolutely fucking gut me.  But I hated him.  But I loved him.  

My phone rang in my coat pocket.

“SEANIE SEXXXYPANTS!” was scrawled across the screen over a photo of us together from long before. Those were better times. We were better people.  

I took a deep, shaky breath. and hesitated, my finger hovering over the icons, drifting back and forth between “answer” and “ignore”.

I chose “answer”.

"Sean?” I smiled into the phone.

"Hey!  What are you doing?”

”I’m about to leave.”

"Aw, sweet.  Come meet me at the park.  I'll be waiting for you.”

"What are you doing at the park?”

"I was abandoned here. I’m soooo lonely.”

"Okay, I'll be there.” I laughed.

"I LOVE YOU!" He screamed, blaring through the ear piece.

My heart fluttered.  How did he have this power over me?

"Thanks for that, Sean. See you in a minute.”

I stared at the phone for a while after he hung up.  Mere moments ago I had wanted to kill him. Now my heart was pounding in anticipation because I was going to see him. I confused the fuck out of myself sometimes.


	16. Chapter 16

12:22 PM

I rolled up to the park and climbed out of the car. He stood in the grass, waiting for me, arms open.

"What happened?” I laughed, he smiled back, flicking away what was left of his cigarette.

"I guess I’m just too much for some people.” He shrugged.

"You and me both.” I laughed, falling into his arms. He held me tight, kissed my forehead and I nuzzled into his neck,

"What's wrong?  Are you okay?” He asked, letting me go and looking deep into my eyes. I shuddered a little.

"Yeah...it was just...a rough morning.  That's all.” I smiled at him, hoping that would be enough and I wouldn't have to explain.

_ He's not stupid, Garrett.  He had you naked last night, there's no way he didn't see.   _

Christ, I hate that stupid voice in my head.  

"Let's walk and talk.  Maybe I can help you feel better.”

We headed off onto a trail that led through a little patch of woods in the middle of the park.  

"What was so hard about it?  The hangover?  Because hangovers pretty much blow."

"No, it wasn't that...I just...Sunshine and Caleb were ganging up on me about...stuff...and I don't feel like explaining myself to them...I know they're just trying to help, and that's great, and I love them, but I just don't want to deal with things the way they want me to.” I sighed, leaning over the rickety wooden railing of the bridge we had stopped on.  I watched a little frog hop his way across the small creek below.  

"Why should you have to listen to them?” He asked, leaning with me.  

"What?"

"Why should you have to listen to them at all?  I mean, really, babe, do they ultimately know what's best for you?”

"Maybe they do, Sean.  The more I think about it, the more I start to think that maybe they're right." I tapped my fingers anxiously on the railing.

"Well, are they getting on you about you hurting yourself?  Is that what it was?"

I nodded, sighing.  I didn't want another lecture.  I had already gotten my fill of having my flaws thrown back in my face. It’s not surprising that Sean was so nonchalant about it. He’s pretty open and casual with all things mental health-related. Go-with-the-flow sort of attitude about it.

"That's why I didn't want anyone to know.  Because all they're going to do is worry.  And they don't need to. It’s going to be alright, I’m going to get better, and I just need to do it myself.” I was consumed by another wave of embarrassment. It was annoying.

"Well, fuck it.  Because they don't know what's best for you.  They don't know about that shit, have they ever been there? No. They don't get it, Garrett.  Not like you and me and Trevin, we’ve been there, we understand. They don't understand you like I do.  They don't know that you're special and you deal how you need to, and they should just fuck off.  Because me and you, we know what's good for you.  No one else does. How can it be wrong if it makes you happy?”  He brought his hand up to my face, rubbing my cheek with his thumb.  

"I mean, I wouldn’t say it makes me happy, but it keeps me together. So really, I guess you're right...”I closed my eyes and breathed deep, enjoying the fresh air and the smell of fallen leaves.

He knew just as much, if not more, than me about where I was coming from.  Sunshine and Caleb had never been there, though Sean remained right there with me.  Of course he was right, he felt the same way I did.  

"You know I'm right.  Have I ever been wrong about you?”

Unfortunately, no, he hadn't. I shrugged and looked into his eyes.

"You do what you need to do.” He smiled, leaning in to kiss me, pulling me in tightly. I pulled back and sighed heavily, leaning in and resting his head on my chest.

I didn't understand any of this, at all.  How did this feel so right, after the way he'd been treating me? How was I okay with this? I may be soft and sensitive and highly empathetic, but I was in no way a doormat or a pushover. I didn't take shit. So why was I taking his?

"Garrett?” He whispered, toying with my hair.

"Hmm?”

"I'm going to say something.  And I want you to think hard about it.” He lifted my chin, staring hard into my eyes. ”I want you to leave Benny.  You belong with me.”

I gasped. A literal, actual, audible gasp. What in the world would make him say something like that?! I was blindsided and completely dumbfounded.

"Sean, I--" I stammered.

"No, no.  Shh.” He placed his fingers on my lips, his eyes dark and intense and sincere. And beautiful. So beautiful. ”Just think about it.  Think about how much sense you and I make together.  Think about how perfect we are.  Just think, Garrett.  I'll see you at home, okay?”

I nodded, absolutely stunned.

"Okay," He nodded, pulling me into a tight hug.  ”I love you.”

_ What the fuck?  He knows how much you love Benny.  He knows you and Benny are fucking perfect together.  He knows that you would never leave Benny, ever.  So what the fuck? _

I couldn't leave Benny.  

But, on the other hand, he supports me.  He knows exactly what I need.  He gives me what I ask for...

_ No.  I love Benny.  Benny makes me feel good.  I don't need anything else when Benny's there.   _

But--

"No." I scolded myself aloud. "Stop it.  I love Benny, and that's it.  I just have to tell Sean no.  He'll understand."

 


	17. Chapter 17

7:18 PM

Nervous, I let myself back into the house, shrugging my jacket off and dropping my keys into the bowl by the door.

I peeked into the living room, where Sean sat, staring at the TV. I slowly approached him, trying to breathe deeply and evenly.

"Um, Sean?”

Ah, fuck, I sounded terrified. I stared at the wall behind him, desperate not to meet his eyes.

"Um, Garrett?”

"I thought about it. I thought hard, and. . . .” my voice was shaking. I met his eyes, hoping to find some comfort there, but he was a blank slate. Fuck. I stared at the wall again. ”I--I really care about you, a lot.  You're my best friend, I'm always going to love you and stuff, but. . .”

I took a deep breath, collecting my thoughts.  I was sick with it, hoping and praying that he would draw his own conclusions, interrupt me, leave the room, yell at me, anything but just sitting there and staring at me. I wished for the floor to open and swallow me whole.

"I can't leave Benny.  I love him so much, and he loves me.  I love you, Sean, I do, but not like that.  I love you in the sense that you're my best friend.  I love you in the sense that I like to spend time with you, I like to party with you," I paused, searching his eyes, looking for any hint of an emotion. There was nothing, just a caramel-colored void. ”I like to fuck.  I love you in the sense that you're my partner in crime forever.  But I can't leave Benny.  He's my true love, Sean.  I'm sorry if I hurt you. . .” 

Nothing. For what seemed like eternity, nothing. Acid rose in my throat. My nails dug deep into my palms.

_ Say something, say something, anything, please. _

"No, that's fine.” He laughed, shrugging.

That was it?! It was fine?!

"Oh my God.  Thank fucking Christ.” I clutched my chest. I really thought my heart was going to explode.

I wanted to drop to my knees.  I was so afraid all the way home.  I didn't know how Sean was going to react because he's overall unpredictable, but I didn't think it was going to be good.  I was still shaking, I was a total wreck and it turned out to be completely unjustified.  Shock of all shocks, right?

"Did you think I was going to be mad, Garrett?” He laughed up at me.  

"I didn't know what to think.” I sighed, sitting.  He pulled me onto his lap.  

"Aww.  You're so cute.  I could never be mad at you.” He cooed, nuzzling his face in my hair.  

"You never get mad at me." I sighed gratefully.

"Of course not.  You're my best friend and I love you so fucking much.  I couldn't be mad at you if I tried.  You make me so happy just being around, bouncing around all over the house all the time, how could I possibly get mad at you, ever ever ever?"

We sat there in silence, cuddling in the corner of the couch.  I almost fell asleep until I heard footsteps and laughter coming down the stairs.  A very content Trevin sat in front of the fireplace with Sunshine and another girl, who I had been introduced to at a party we had, but I couldn't remember her name.  I could smell the sex on them.  

"Aww!" The girls cooed, giving us that look.  You know the mushy, Oh-God-that's-so-cute-I'm-going-to-cry look?  Yeah, that one.  I rolled my eyes, blushing, and joined them on the floor.  

"What's going on here?” I scooted up between Sunshine and the vaguely familiar blue-haired girl.  

"Taking a break.  We've been a little...busy.” Sunshine looked to the other girl, who nodded and shrugged.  I looked at Trevin, raising an eyebrow.  He grinned, pulling Sunshine into his lap.  

"Oh, Garrett, this is Claire.  She's a very good friend from  _ way _ back when."  I shook the girl's hand and then remembered meeting her.  She was a photographer, we had been introduced at a party after she shot one of our shows.

"Oh my God, I remember you now!"

"Yeah.  I held your hair back when you puked once." She shrugged.  

We talked for a while, until Trevin and the girls decided that they had rested enough to get back to...whatever it was they were doing.  I turned back to Sean, only to see him passed out on the couch.  I smiled and pushed myself up off the floor, going in search of other life forms to talk to.  Benny sat on the back porch, fiddling with his phone, sipping on a cup of tea.

"Hey, baby." He smiled as I sat down on the step next to him.

"Hey." I smiled back, taking a seat across from him. "How are you?"

It had occurred to me that I hadn't actually asked him that sincerely in a very long time. He's got issues of his own; very, very high anxiety, compounded by a slowly dissolving capability for memory after getting a traumatic head injury as a kid. I should check on him more often, ask about him as much as he asked about me. He didn’t really ever like to talk about himself, but I know that he appreciates me asking. And that’s enough.

"You know," he shrugged, looking away from his phone and setting it aside. "I'm alright."

"Good."

I paused, looking into his eyes, weighing whether or not to tell him about what happened at the park. He should know, he really should.

But.

He already disliked Sean, I didn't want to give him reason to hate him.  So I decided against it and smiled, forcing a yawn.  

"Aww, baby's tired.” He    Come on, let's go to bed.”

“It’s not even nine yet.” I laughed.

“Yeah, well, we’re getting old. We should seize the opportunity to go to bed early.”

“That’s a good point.”

“It’s a damn good point.” He stood and took my hand, helping me up. We crept past a sleeping Sean and headed upstairs.

He stripped down to his boxers and disappeared into the bathroom, I changed as fast as humanly possible as he brushed his teeth; I didn't want him to see what I had done, regardless of the fact that he apparently already knew what I’d been up to anyway. I'd tell him about this round eventually.

Maybe.

I jumped into bed and snuggled up under the covers. He crawled in beside me, snuggling close, his body warm and comforting against me as he draped his arm around me, kissing my shoulder.  

"Benny?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, baby."

There was something in the air, because the next thing I knew we were hot and heavy.  

We were all over each other, a tangle of limbs and strings of profanities.  I straddled him, our tongues fighting for space in each other's mouths.  We couldn't breathe but we didn't care.  He flipped us over, I hit the mattress with a thud. I was so ready for him. He tangled his hands in my hair, I left a hickey on his collarbone. He pinned my arms over my head, grinning at me, panting.  I don't know what kind of subconscious thing that set off, but whatever it was, it was serious and it freaked me out.  

"No! No, get off!” I panted, kicking and pulling my arms free. He pulled away, kneeling in between my legs, flustered.

"Garrett, calm down! Hey! HEY!" He took my hands, snapping me back into the moment. "Hey, calm down.  I was only playing."

I stopped, breathing hard, tears streaming down my face, shaking, my heart pounding in my throat. He pulled me up to him, stroking my hair, holding me until I stopped crying.  

I was safe.  I couldn't be hurt in his arms.  

"Baby?” He whispered, slowly and gently.  

"Hmm?" I sniffled, pulling back to look into his eyes.

"What…what happened?"

_Tell him.  Tell him.  This is the perfect time.  This is perfect._

_Wait no. Then he'll kill Sean.  You know he will.  Do you want Sean to die?_

_No._

_Sean was right; you can't just say “no” halfway through when you were the one down to fuck in the first place.  If you made the first move, drunk or not, that's begging for it._

 

I stared at him for a moment. He looked so hurt, so confused. But I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.

"You didn't do anything, Benny.  I don't know. I just...freaked...I'm sorry. I’m so sorry."

"Don't be sorry.  No means no, no questions asked. I love you, and if we're not both into it, we don't do it. No questions asked.” He held me close.

_ Hmm, did you hear that? I’m just sayin’… _

"I love you so much, Benny."

"I love you, too, Garrett."

I felt so stupid, how could I ever have thought that Benny was going to hurt me?  I needed to get a grip on myself.  I was going to fuck absolutely everything up if I didn’t just chill the fuck out.  The last thing any of us needed was for a nut job like me to throw everything off track.  We had a good thing going, too good for me to let it blow up.

I took a deep breath and we snuggled up under the covers again, I relaxed into his arms and re-grounded myself.  A good night’s sleep would solve everything, I couldn’t think about it anymore.  There would be time to get it together in the morning.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Content Warning-  
> This chapter contains gaslighting, physical abuse, and verbal abuse.

5:58 AM

I woke with a jolt and was wide awake.  I lay there, listening to Benny's light snoring for a little while before I decided I wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep.  

As I walked down the hall, I peeked into everyone's rooms.   Everyone was still fast asleep, so I headed downstairs to make some coffee and maybe watch some TV or read, just take advantage of the silence until someone else woke up.  I glanced at the couch as I walked by, expecting to see Sean still passed out, but he wasn't there.  Oh well.  

I walked into the kitchen popped a coffee pod into the machine, pressed the flashing button and smiled as the water running through filled the room with the smell of fresh coffee.  I returned to the living room and grabbed my cigarettes and an ashtray off of the mantle, lighting one up and deciding to light the fire, too.  It was cold enough.  

I stretched as I came back into the kitchen, sat the ashtray on the table, grabbed the coffee and sat down, tapping my fingers on the table and thinking of what to buy Benny for his birthday.  

I finished my cigarette and the coffee without having come up with a single idea.  

Maybe a sewing machine? He's always wanted one. Or maybe a-

A loud bang followed by an aggravated  _ "Fuck!" _ came from outside, startling me out of my thoughts.  I stubbed my cigarette out and headed out of the back door to find the source, even though I've seen so many horror movies where the person dies in a situation exactly like this. What would be the loss anyway?

Sean stood there, staring into the horizon, watching the sun come up.  I smiled, walked to him, and stood beside him.  

"Pretty, huh?" I asked.

He just nodded.  

"What are you doing up so early? I didn’t think you even knew that the sunrise existed.” I teased.  

He shrugged.  

"What are  _ you _ doing up so early?” He snapped.   
  
"Couldn't get back to sleep and I didn't want to disturb Benny.” I shrugged.

"No, we wouldn't want to inconvenience Benny at all, would we?” He scoffed.  

"What's that supposed to mean? What’s wrong with you?”

Why was he being like this? What could have him so prickly this early in the morning?

"Nothing.  Fucking nothing.” He stomped away, retreating back to the house. I followed, wanting to be sure that he was okay. If I could be there for him, I wanted to do that.

"What's wrong, Sean?  Are you alright?” I followed him into the house and through the kitchen.

"Fucking fine, Garrett.” He dismissed me.

I knew him better than that. Even if I didn't, he was very clearly not okay.

"No, you're not.  What is it?” 

"I said nothing.  And I meant it. Leave it alone.” He crossed into the living room. I didn’t want to lose him to the cave that was his room, I’d never get him out of there.  

"Please don't lie to me.” I pleaded. ”What's bothering you?”

He stopped dead in his tracks, I almost ran right into him. He turned to face me, his jaw tight and his face deadly serious.

"Why shouldn't I lie to you?” He snapped.  

"What?” My stomach dropped and my hair stood on end.  

"Why shouldn't I fucking lie to you?  You lie to everyone.  You and Toby, you tell everyone these long elaborate stories and everyone believes you,” He put his hand on my chest, pushing me backwards. ”so why the fuck shouldn't I be able to lie to you? What makes you so goddamn special?” 

"I--I didn't mean anything by--" I stuttered, my back hitting the wall by the fireplace. My heart was in my throat, sweat was starting to form under my shirt.

“You never do.  You never mean anything you say, do you?” He hissed, his eyes wild and mean.

"I always mean what I--"   
  
He snatched my by the shirt and pulled me forward, the back of his hand meeting my cheek with a stinging slap. My head snapped back and my hand flew to my cheek. I was shocked, I couldn't move.  He’d never put his hands on me like this, he’d never hurt me on purpose.  

Before I could even think to move, he shoved me against the wall, and slapped me again.  I felt the inside of my cheek split open against my tooth, blood trickling down my throat.  I was still too shocked to move.  I wanted to, more than anything; wanted to punch him in the face and get out of there, but my feet seemed rooted to the floor. I clutched my jaw, half of my face nothing but searing pain as tears flowed from my eyes. He grabbed a chunk of my hair and pulled me close.

"You  _ really _ deserved that.  You know you did.  Didn't you?  You know you need someone to punish you for hurting people.” He released my hair and stroked my face.

_ What the fuck. I didn’t do anything. _

"But what did I--"  

"Shut up.  You play with people.  You play with their minds, Garrett.  People are not games. You shouldn't sleep around so much.  Get it?” He spoke softly, brushing my hair out of my eyes.  

_ Oh. Well, I guess he has a point there. _

I nodded. He was right, really.

"Good.” He kissed me gently. I wanted to vomit. ”It's really just because I care. Understand?”

I wanted to scream. I wanted to strangle him. The problem was, he had a point that I couldn't argue against. It was really pretty valid.

“I—I do. I really do.”

“Now let's get you cleaned up, okay?” 

I nodded and he walked me to the bathroom, holding my hair back as I splashed my face with water and tried to relax, making eye contact with him in the mirror as I did so.  He reached out to me with a towel, softly patting my face dry and smiling gently.

_What the actual fuck?_

"There.” He smiled, fixing my hair. ”Perfect. Now, Garrett, I’m sorry. That was probably too much. I just care about you so much, I get so carried away. I’m sorry. Are we okay?” 

I nodded.  

Part of me realized that this was insane.  Absolutely fucking ridiculous.  He was full of shit, what had just happened was wrong, I should hit him back--fuck it, I should stab him. To death. I should tell Benny.  I should stand up for myself, I didn't deserve this bullshit, it wasn't fucking right and I deserved better for myself. But the other part of me that wanted me to hurt was too strong and I accepted that this was probably meant to be my position in life.

"Good.  Let me hear you say it.”   
  
"We’re good. Our little secret.” I whispered.  He pulled me in and hugged me tight.

Everything was so supremely fucked up.


	19. Chapter 19

8:27 PM

I sat on the couch beside Benny, snuggled up in his arms, my head resting on his shoulder.  He stared intently at the TV screen, just like everyone else in the room, totally absorbed in the movie.  Whatever it was.  I don’t know, I stopped paying attention a long time ago.  I was lost in my thoughts. They were eating me alive. I closed my eyes and tried to relax, but they wouldn’t be quiet.

_You know you deserved that.  Sean's right.  You don't need to sleep around so much.  You shouldn't lie to everyone.  You shouldn't be so fat. By the way, have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?  You look disgusting. And have you listened to the ridiculous shit that comes out of your mouth? And as for Benny and Toby, do they tell you that you're pretty and smart and talented because they mean it, or just because they're good people and don't want to hurt your feelings?_ _Or is Sean right?  Does everyone just fuck you and then stop caring?  Remember when you and Toby told your entire 3rd grade class that you killed your parents.  That wasn't true.  This could be the exact same thing, and you wouldn't even know it.  How does that feel?  You make people feel like that all the time, Garrett.  Every time you lie.  Every time you bend over and open up for someone else. Every time you fuck up, like you so chronically do. Like trying to fuck your little brother. Or shooting up heroin and fucking Sean while your loving boyfriend is lying alone in a hotel room. Or lying to your sister, the one person who has ever loved you unconditionally. She thought you were a nice, good boy.  She didn't know that you're a sick, lying, faggot whore.  She died thinking you were a good kid who would never do any wrong-- can you imagine how ashamed she is, looking down on you now?  You're disgusting, Garrett.  You're the most despicable human being ever.  You are a fat, self-absorbed, selfish little whore that's never been good for anything and never will be._

"Oh my god, would you just fuck off!"

I felt eyes on me and realized that I had said that out loud. Blushing, I stood, all eyes still on me.

_And now everyone knows you're insane, too._

"Um. Wow. I'm just gonna head up to bed.” I murmured.

“Wait. Garrett. Baby.” Benny stood, taking my face in his hands. ”Are you okay?”

"Yeah.  I'm fine.”

"Do you need to talk?”

"I don't want to talk.” I shook my head, brushing him off.  

"Babe--"  

I didn't need to hear it.

“I said I’m fine, I mean that I’m fine.”

I slowly, purposefully headed upstairs, so as to not cause any alarm. I heard Benny following not far behind, so I sped up.  I finally reached our bedroom, grabbing my messenger bag.  Benny's hand wrapped around my wrist and he spun me around.  

"Hey," He tried to pull my bag away. "There's not going to be any of that."

"Benny, you don't underst--"I held tight, trying to pull it back from him.

"I don't need to understand to know it's not good!” He shouted, finally winning the tugging match and throwing the bag across the room. I flinched.

"It's fucking fine, don’t worry about it. I can fucking take care of myself.” I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to stay hard, but I was very quickly losing resolve.

He held my wrist tight and pushed my sleeve up.  My stomach lurched.  How many times was this just going to be shoved out into the open like this?  And so aggressively at that? When were they just going to leave it alone and accept it as fact?

"This is taking care of yourself?  This somehow feels better?" He pointed firmly to my arm. "Because I gotta say, babe, from where I’m standing, it looks bad.  You want to hurt yourself, starve yourself, it's a problem.  And as long as I'm in this house, in this band, in this relationship, I will not see this happen.  I will not sit by and watch you piss away everything you have here because somewhere in your brain something is fucked up.  I'm going to fucking stay here, Garrett, I'm not giving up on you for anything. That’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to anyone else here, we’re not going to be held prisoner by this. You can’t ask us to sit here and do nothing, but this rests on you. You have to make a choice. You have to do it for you. But consider us, too.”

“First of all, I’m not starving myself, and secondly, it’s not got anything to do with any of you.” I snatched my arm away from him, rolling my sleeve back down.

“Are you fucking insane?” He scoffed.

“Really? ‘Insane’? Fucking really, Benny?”

He rolled his eyes, rubbing his face in exasperation.

“Look, that was a bad choice of words, but don’t play word games with me when you know damn well what I mean. This has everything to do with us, too. You think this doesn’t break my fucking heart? You think that this doesn’t hurt Toby? And don’t you think you might, maybe, possibly, be putting Trevin and Sean at a bit of a risk, if they were to find out? It’s a domino effect, babe, one of you starts slicing and everyone else topples.”

“Could you not call it slicing, for fucks sake? I’m not a butcher.”

“Whatever, Garrett, stop with that. I know what you’re doing, stop dancing around it. You have to try to reign this in. I’m not asking cold turkey. But please, for the love of us and all things holy, please, please try not to do this anymore. Please. I love you. Don’t do this.” He grabbed my hand, rubbing my wrist with his thumb, a glint of sympathy flashing through his eyes.

I clenched my fists, furious. This was fucking humiliating. He stared at me, unflinching, stone cold and full of resolve.  I drew in a deep breath, and then I lost my shit. He pulled me close and I cried into his shoulder.  My head swam, I couldn't think.  For once, thank fucking God, I couldn't think.  He helped me to the bed and we curled up together.  

_Get a fucking grip, kid._

He held me close until the tears stopped and my breathing returned to normal. We dressed for bed silently and cuddled up, he rubbed my back gently and I drifted off into a deep and exhausted sleep.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Content Warning Containing Spoiler-  
> This chapter contains discussion of paid sex work.

5:43 AM

I woke up quite some time later.  It was dark, cold, and, for some reason I couldn't quite place, I was very afraid.  Benny was lying beside me, sound asleep.  Toby was sprawled across the bottom of the bed, face buried in blankets.  I crept from the room and quietly shut the bedroom door behind me, trying to be silent as I shuffled down the hallway.  Luckily, the stairs decided not to creak until the bottom one, far away from the bedrooms.  I sighed with relief as my feet touched the floor, then able to walk normally again.  I started a fire and sat on the floor in front of it, watching it flicker, warming my hands.  I glanced up at the clock that sat on the mantle...5:45.  

Not too early, really, considering it was probably 9 when I finally fell asleep.  The silence in the house was nice.  Even though I usually hated me, right now I seemed to be at peace with me.  Maybe I just needed that outburst out of my system; maybe I would be okay now.  

I stood and walked to the kitchen, Sean was fast asleep, curled up by the baseboard heater. Strange. I decided, best to leave him alone, rather than catch his wrath if that was the wrong thing to do. Good. Sleep on the floor like dirt.

I walked past him, brewed a cup of coffee, eyeing the bunch of bananas sitting next to the machine.

Pass.

I took my coffee back into the living room and plopped down on the couch, absentmindedly turning on the TV and zoning out on music videos for a while.  I couldn't help but smile when we came on, 3 times in one hour.  Different channels, of course, but still, 3 times in one hour?  That's pretty fuckin sweet.  

"This is my favorite one of your videos.”

I turned to see Trevin, wrapped in a giant hoodie, standing behind me. I smiled, patting the seat next to me.

"Aw, thank you.  I like it, too.  I’m really proud of it. Well, as proud as you can be of how good a team of makeup artists and editing professionals can make you look.”

He sat next to me and we focused on the TV again. I offered him a sip of coffee, one of the highest gestures of friendship I can offer, and he gladly accepted. He handed it back, stretching, pulling me over to lean on him.  He rubbed my back, stopping to give me a little squeeze every once in a while.  He still smelled like sex and cologne and...is it weird that I could smell his happiness? That's weird, right?

"Garrett?” He asked.

"Hmm?”

"What was all that about? Last night, I mean.”

_ Ugh. _

"Trevin...I don't want to talk about it.” I sighed.

"I just want to help. Like you did for me.”

"You never told me what was wrong with you.  I asked you first.  I asked you like 3 months ago.”

A pause. A long pause.

"You're right, you did.” He sighed, turning to face me, sitting with his legs folded up on the couch.  I turned the TV off and mimicked his position, giving him my undivided attention. His eyes were wide and deadly serious. “You cannot tell anyone about this. You have to swear to me.”

“I swear, it’s just between you and me. Hand to God.” I crossed myself. He nodded, satisfied.

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. He exhaled, shaking his hands out, and opened his eyes again.

“Okay, then. Back when it was just us, just The Drive living together, I was what they liked to call 'house bitch'.  You know, I did all the cooking and cleaning and stuff like that.  But I also did the bills and figured out what money went where and how much of it got saved and why.  Well, that’s kind of impossible when there isn't any money.  It wasn't that though, because whatever, fuck it, money doesn't equal happiness. I’ve been poor my entire life, it is what it is, but money is a necessity, especially with four of us under one roof.  You need it to live, you know.  We needed food, we needed running water, we needed electricity, and we needed the house. And you know how it is, when you’re just starting out, that record label money does not go far enough at all.  So at first, I was sneaking into Sean's room and taking his drugs to sell them again. Well, he noticed them missing and went on a total rampage.  I mean, I guess probably what we should have done was try to get him clean, and Matt too, but I was so overwhelmed that most of the time I couldn’t handle the idea of even suggesting to them that they get sober. And if they were high, they weren’t eating, weren’t using much electricity. So then I started selling my own things.  I sold everything I could stand to part with, which was pretty much everything except what you see in my room.  So that was out.  I started sneaking out at night and basically panhandling, pleading for anything I could get.  I could usually bring in about ten to twenty dollars a night like that.  But still, that wasn't paying the bills.  So then…” He paused.

There was something bad coming. Something very bad.

“Then?” I whispered, wiping away a stray tear that had sprung up. It was gut wrenching to hear Trevin talk about why he was so very sad.

“You swear to me you won’t tell anyone. At all. Not Benny, not Toby. Not a single person?” He took my hands.

“Trevin. I swear to you. I swear on my little sister’s grave.” I crossed myself again and raised my hand to the ceiling for emphasis. He looked at me for a long moment, he seemed to be weighing his options. He looked pained and conflicted. I put my hand on his leg and smiled gently, he drew in a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“You’re not even going to believe me.” He sighed, rubbing his face.

“You can tell me anything. I want to know.”

“I—how do I say this?--I started. Ugh." He paused, clutching his stomach and staring into the fire for a moment before meeting my eyes with a newfound resolve. "I was a whore.”

_ Well, I mean, me too. _

The realization washed over me that he meant an actual, for real, cash-for-sex worker.

“Honestly, there’s no better way to say that.  I was a legitimate fucking prostitute.  And it bothered me.  I felt so dirty and so wrong, but no one knew, so I couldn't exactly vent to anyone.  I couldn't call Benny and unload to him, because you guys are nice people, and you would have tried to give us money, and I didn't want that.  I wanted to prove that I could do it.  So it went on and on and on.  They'd go to bed or pass out or whatever, and I'd leave, get fucked by a bunch of guys, and come back with cash in hand and it was business as usual.  But it was, like, really getting to me, you know?  I was so fucking exhausted, and I felt so fucking dead inside.  I felt like a failure and horrible person, and it was really getting to me, I hated myself so much, but I had to stay happy, for the sake of the guys. It was eating me alive." He stopped again.

I smiled softly at him and took his hand.  He squeezed back and teared up a little, a lopsided half-smile on his face.

“Like, it’s not even that it was guys. I don’t care that it was gay or whatever, I just felt…used. Exploited. Unclean and unworthy. So that's when I started hurting myself.  I would do it when I got home from working, and that's it.  It kind of felt like that kept the whore Trevin away from the real Trevin, you know?  They were two totally separate people.  Real Trevin cooked and cleaned, he was a good boy who looked out for his friends and would always be there for him. Whore Trevin went down on strangers for 50 bucks.  Real Trevin played with his little sisters and called his mom every day.  Whore Trevin got fucked up the ass in alleys and let business men do coke off his belly. But only whore Trevin cut. It was a clear, defining line between the two.  That was when I met Sunshine, and I told her everything, pretty much the first night we ever hung out.  I don't know why.  But she accepted me, told me it was okay, I didn’t have to be ashamed. I was surviving. You have to do what you have to do sometimes. We started dating, and that made me happy.  Money from the album starting coming in, and I quit whoring.  But I hadn't stopped hurting myself yet.  So one night while we were on the road, Sunshine came to pick me up.  Remember that?  Well, she talked to me...no, she talked at me.  I didn't get a chance to say jack-shit while she was talking.  And she talked some fucking sense into me.  And here we are today.  In this beautiful house, full of beautiful people, I’ve got my fiancée, I’ve got my best friends in the whole world...I feel...better.  I feel happy.  I feel like Trevin again.” He shrugged and smiled, his big brown eyes full of hope.

"Wow, Trevin. I’m so sorry. I had no idea.” I wiped tears from my cheeks, and from his.

"It’s okay. It’s over. I’m stronger for it, you know?” He shrugged, nodding. ”So…your turn?”

I paused, looking to the fire, giving it hard consideration. He had just shared a major life experience with me. He was brave for it. I should be brave too.

But I just couldn't.

"Sure, I'll tell you." I looked back to him, smirking. "I'm just going to wait 3 months to do it.”

"Damn.  You've got me there.” He laughed.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Content Warning-  
> This chapter contains discussion of disordered eating.

9:00 AM

He ended up falling asleep on the couch, and all I could do was stare at him.  He was such a nice guy.  Why did he care so much about me?  Why did any of my friends care so fucking much?  

I stood and stretched, grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch, and gently draped it over him.  He pulled it up to his chin and snuggled more into the couch, sighing deeply.  I bent over and kissed his forehead.  

"I love you, man.” I whispered, pushing his hair back from his face.  I jumped as an ear-splitting creak rang out from the kitchen.

I poked my head in to see Sean doing his best to quietly close the back door.

"Oh, good morning!” I smiled.

"You know, making noise is my signature.” He smiled and shrugged.  

I nodded and decided to go about making breakfast.  He stood behind me, arms wrapped around my waist as I made hash browns and omelets. Being a vegan, I didn't eat eggs or, like, half of the other things that go with omelets. But they were Benny's favorite, so whatever.   Sean stuck his face in my hair and inhaled, I smiled as his lips touched my neck, giving me little kisses.  

"You smell so good.” He whispered softly. ”You're so pretty..."

My heart did back flips. The butterflies were back with a vengeance. He held me tight and squeezed at my stomach, I tensed and moved them up towards my chest. Don't touch my stomach.

"Thank you, Sean.”  

He spun me around and stared deeply into my eyes, brushed my hair away, and placed a soft kiss on my forehead.

_ Ugh, fuck, why? Why why why? _

I draped my arms over his shoulders and smiled, content.

"You know what, Garrett?” He whispered into the top of my head.

"Hmm?”

"You're...going to burn the omelets.”

_ Oh, shit, the food. Whoops. _

I laughed and focused again on the task at hand, scooping the eggs from their pan and onto a plate.  Sean began to set the table.  He pulled out the orange juice, milk, syrup, and butter and spread it out on the table, then pulled plates from the dishwasher and started to set the table. He even made slices of toast. Without being asked. What?

He was being unusually helpful this morning, but I wasn't about to question it.

"Seanie?  Can you do me a favor?” I asked, transporting food from counter to table.

"Oh, dude...do I get to wake everyone up?” He grinned, eyes excited. I nodded and ushered him away, he rushed almost gleefully from the room and I heard his heavy footsteps on the stairs. This is exactly the sort of thing I had in mind when I thought about this living arrangement.  This was the dream. Everything else was just nonsense, this made it worth it.

I smiled as I poured various cups of coffee and placed them at their seats. I finished with one of my own as our sleepy friends shuffled their way in and sat quietly around the table, eyes bleary and hair ruffled, but all looked ready to dive in and fill up.

I took a spot at the table, Benny on my right, Sean on my left.  The symbolism was not lost on me, believe that. Benny scooped a huge bite of eggs into his mouth and smiled over at me, obviously pleased with the meal. I smiled in return and reached for the hash browns, but thought better of it. I hardly ever pass up any form of potato, but I couldn’t bring myself to it.

_ Come on, now, kid.  Show some restraint.   _

Instead, I pulled my hand back and took a sip of my coffee.

“Garrett?" Benny smiled, gesturing to the shredded potatoes with his fork,"Hash browns.”

“I’m fine.” I smiled in return, pointing to my coffee mug.

“Hash browns.” He insisted. His smile stayed in place, but his eyes were very serious.

I took what seemed to appease him and nibbled at it.

_ Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. It's fine, it's fine, don't worry, it's okay. It's such a small amount, it's fine, relax, it's all good. _

Finished, I pushed my plate aside, looking around at our friends as they wolfed down their meals. My eyes fell on Sean and he arched his eyebrow at me.

“Is that all? Aren’t you still hungry?” He asked.

“No, I’m good.” I smiled, uncomfortable. “Not much of a breakfast person, you know?”

“You want some more.” He nodded.

“Really, I’m good.”

“I think that you’re probably—“

“It’s. Fine.” I smiled.

He stared at me for a moment, I stared back. Neither one of us was letting this die. I silently pleaded with him, making a vain, yet valiant, attempt at telepathy.

_ Fuck shit fuck. Just let it go. Just drop it. Please please please just drop it. _

He smirked, leaning forward toward me, but was cut off.

"So! What’s the plan for the day?" Matt smiled, stretching.

We settled on a trip to the park.

"Garrett,” Benny cleared his throat as he helped me collect the morning's dishes. "you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm good." I smiled, dropping the last of the silverware into the sink. "Why?"  

"I just worry about you, that’s all.” He dropped his rag onto the counter, coming to stand in front of me and grabbing my hips.  His soft green eyes stared right into my soul.

"Please don't worry about me." I sighed. He rolled his eyes.

"Babe. That doesn’t help me. I worry about everything, everyone, all of the time. Telling me not to doesn't do anything. That's not how this works."

"I know, I know, it's just a figure of speech. You know what I meant."

"I love you so much."

"I love you too." I smiled. "I just really wish you didn't worry so much about me."

"And I really wish that I didn't have to." He shrugged.

Now. I know, rationally, that he meant he wished that he didn't have such terrible anxiety, but it felt a bit like a jab. Like I said, rationally, I knew it wasn't. But, don't know if you've taken note, but I’m a little irrational sometimes, so I felt slightly attacked.

Honestly, he had a bit of a point and there was just a little bit of validity to his concern. In the past decade,

I had lost quite a bit of weight, in less than healthy ways.  Skipping a meal, or several days' worth; occasionally- more than occasionally, if I’m totally honest- throwing up after a meal.  It had been an off and on thing since high school, I was embarrassed by it and he was concerned about it, even when I had hit a lengthy stretch of being okay, it seemed like he was always sizing up my food choices, no matter how big or small. Always judging.

"Yeah. I know." I sighed.

He kissed my forehead and held me close.


	22. Chapter 22

3:36 PM

"Push me, Chris! Push me push me push me!" Benny squealed, kicking his legs as he sat on a swing.  Chris sighed and stood up off of the bench, trudging over and shoving Benny, sending him swinging up in the air.

I know all of this must seem very immature, a bunch of guys in their mid-to-late twenties running around a park like a bunch of jerks, but some of us didn't get much of a chance to do this as children. Besides, you're never too old for this type of thing. When you stop having fun is when you start dying.

I looked around at my friends.  Trevin, Matt, Claire and Sunshine had claimed the merry-go-round.  Toby and Eli were playing on those little horses that rock back and forth, you know, the ones that sit on springs?  Caleb manned the monkey bars, and Chris was pushing Benny on the swing.  

I sat at a picnic table with Sean, watching everyone play.

"Dude...I feel like I'm five again.” He laughed.

"Yeah, it's nice.  Until Toby comes over to me and cries because he has a boo-boo.” I agreed. He slid closer to me.

"You're really pretty in this light.”

"Nah...” I pushed him away, scrunching my nose and blushing.

"No, really, I mean it.  You're very pretty, Garrett.” He stared at me, his hand on my thigh.

_ This is uncomfortable. Deflect. _

"Thank you, Sean.  I think you're very pretty too.” I smiled, kissing his cheek.

_ That, Garrett, is the opposite of a deflection. _

"Have you put any more thought into what I said?”

_ Goddamn it. _

"You've said a lot of things...and sometimes it doesn't sound like you've put too much thought into them yourself...” I shrugged, smiling.

"Well, sometimes I don't think too clear.” He laughed.  ”But I mean about leaving Benny for me.  Have you thought any more about it?”

I wanted to flip the table. Couldn't we go one fucking day? One single, solitary, itsy bitsy day? Was that so much to fucking ask?

"Sean, I told you.  I love Benny.  Benny is my soul mate.  He's who I'm supposed to be with.” I sighed, tired of it. I didn't look at him, I couldn't. I stared at our friends.

"Garrett, I mean this.  You're supposed to be with me.  Isn't it fucking obvious?  We're so good together.  It's like destiny that we met.  You believe in destiny, right?” He slid closer still. My heart rate sped.  

I nodded, half-heartedly, palms starting to sweat, my mouth drying out.

"Well, then, believe in destiny right now.  Is it just coincidence that we got signed to the same label?  That we're into the same things?  That I've introduced you to things you never thought you'd do, that no one else showed you because they were afraid?  Garrett, you know I'm perfect for you.” He insisted.

I was going to throw up. I braced myself and laid it out to him once more. My hands shook and my heart pounded in my ears.

"But, Sean, I told you.  I.  Love.  Benny.  Okay?  I love Benny. Now please, drop this.”

"Okay, I get it.” He sighed.  ”All right.”

He sounded defeated. Not mad, but hurt. Deflated. A pang of guilt ran through me, but this was his problem, not mine. He needed to understand, Benny and I were an item, a tight item. It's not my fault that he developed feelings for me.  He stood and I watched him walk away, joining the merry-go-round group.  I sighed, looking over at Benny and Chris.  

_ I love Benny.  Benny's the right one for me. Probably. No, wait, definitely. He always will be. Although, Sean is the one who doesn't ever expect me to be someone I’m not. No. No, that's stupid.  Benny doesn't expect that, either. But he does think that I'm some fragile little thing to be worried over. That I can't hold my own and take care of myself. Though…maybe he has a point…No, no Garrett, Shut up. His anxiety has nothing to do with me. I shouldn’t make it about me. Not everything is.  You don't know what you're talking about.  Benny loves me.  He just wants me to be happy.  He wants me to be healthy.  He wants me to feel whole.  _

I was exhausting myself. I shook it off and decided we needed to boost the vibe of the day. Or I needed to, at the very least.

"Hey!  Guys!" I called, standing and approaching the playground.  ”Feel like a party tonight?  An early birthday for Benny?”

"Oh my God!" Benny jumped off of the swing with a thud. “A party?  For me?  Oh my god!"

He tackled me, squeezing me and covering me in tiny, spastic kisses.  The word “party” always managed to cause a kind of mania in our circle of friends, I swear we could all hit up three different parties a night and throw our own and still never get tired of the shit.  Deep down, though, I was tired of it. I wouldn’t admit it but I was really developing a distaste for it. But whatever keeps the momentum going, I suppose.

We gathered our stuff and left, everyone on a phone with this person and that person. I shot a few texts out; Adrian, Alexis, a few old Benny-and-I mutual friends from school that we could reconnect with, so on and so forth.

_ This party is really for you and you know it.  But what Benny doesn't know can't hurt him, right?   _


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so irregularly short? Oops.

5:43 PM

Although it seemed to me like we were throwing a party every week now, no one else seemed to mind, so fuck it.  Besides, parties are fun.  Everyone likes fun.  And that’s exactly what this party was for.  I was out to prove to myself that Benny wanted me to have fun and would let me do anything and everything I wanted to do, because he loved me and wanted me to have my way.  I was his princess, after all.

I walked to Benny, who was standing at the blender in the kitchen, making margaritas.  

“Benny! God I love you!” I threw my arms around his neck.  He stumbled, but steadied himself and wrapped his arms around my waist, laughing.  

“You're...already drunk?” Eli raised his eyebrow at me.

"It's past five, is it not?" I shrugged. "I wouldn't say I'm drunk."

But I did have a solid buzz.

“I love you too, baby.  Are you having fun?”

“Yes.  I’m having loads of fun.  Already.” I glared at Eli.

“Um, Garrett?  You know that no one’s even shown up yet?  And the party’s not even for another few hours.” He laughed.  

“No, Eli I wasn't aware! This wasn't, you know, my plan or anything. It’s not, like I suggested this and invited everyone. And it’s not like this is my house to do whatever in.” I stuck my tongue out at him. He flipped me off.

Benny laughed and turned back to the margarita machine.

"I think I'm gonna take a nap. Conserve energy." I kissed his cheek and headed off to bed.

I flopped on the bed, floating away into a shallow sleep.

"Garrett?"

"Hmm?" I opened my eyes, just a sliver. Toby crawled onto the bed beside me.

"Are we napping?" He asked.

"Oh yeah, we’re napping."

"Nice." He snuggled up to me and I kissed the top of his head.

Silence.

“Do you remember any stories? From when we were kids?”

“Hmm. Let me think.” I thought hard, searching for a good one. “When we were little, I think I was maybe nine, there were a bunch of kids who always made fun of us on the way home from school.  So one day, I took one of dad’s knives to school with me.  When they started to make fun of us I pulled it out and told them that if they didn’t leave us alone I'd stab them.  I guess one of them ran and told on me, because a cop car came and picked us up.  When the man asked where we lived, you gave them the neighbor’s address, and he took us there and told her what had happened, and she covered for us.”

“Mom and Dad never did find out about that." He laughed softly.

“No, they didn’t.” I smiled sleepily.  I started to drift away again.  


End file.
